this week has been the WORST!! why you ask? because i finally lost my best freind that i have mentioned..my moms best friend told me to write a letter to her and ger everything out..so i did and i gave it to her after a 3 hour crying period of me jsut balling and balling..it was the hardest thing in the entire world for me to do..but it was just to top everything off. well my parents have been out of town and i kept telling myself it wont matter if i mess up noone will be home noone will see and everything will be okay if i just do it…my mind kept saying do it do it do it..so on tuesday i did it not once not twice but numerous times…my mind keep going back to when i first started 3 years ago and how it felt so wonderful so good so amazing lets go at it again. so i did ..i felt so much better but soon felt really stupid and awful…i had a month under my belt and was kicking si’s butt..man it was feeling wonderful but my life was getting so stressful i was ready to end and give it all up but i made it till tuesday then it was good bye..good bye is what my life has come to be..good bye to my best friend good bye to my month free good bye to all that i love and cared about..but i made it through but not with out turning back to something everyone thinks i have stopped..and i mean everyone..but what does it matter?everyone has left me so no one really will care…i miss what i had and was…but this life seems so much better because i can control my pain and make everything so much better..but can i say im tired of it..i hate it..but yet i also love it..why is that so bad? i cant tell who how badly i want these flashbacks to stop..i hate them they make me to wanna si so badly worse than ever before and i dont know why..people say its the devil trying to make it worse but it already is worse and im ready to give in.