okay so my parents are home along with my grandma no surgery this time but found out she might have lung cancer along with having to do open heart surgery and somethng with her tummy..its been very stressful for my mom…which makes it way harder for me…i know that may make it seem like im selfish or whatever..but its true..the reason is because things with me are starting to get out of control once again..which sucks…no one knows about anything excpt for my friend..and we got into it yesterday so i dont know if she will be around much longer..but what the heck no one truly is around for me anymore…this weekend was the hardest yet..i injured. it was like i couldnt stop….man do i regret it today….i guess maybe this shouldnt be shared so i wont go into what and where and how…..but today i know im alittle fustrated angry hurt and alittle on the dont come near me and im on the edge of my sit pretty much..and to top it all off we are having people over for dinner and im so not in the mood to find small talk with these people…dont get me wrong i love it when people come over but just not today please..i dont know who to turn to i dont know what to do…maybe this is what is suppose to be but i highly dought that…but thats what i really do feel like today..i havent told anyone about the urges i have been fighting off all month and they just got to me and i did what i knew best…i cought myself telling me oh what a nice little friend i have never gonna leave never gonna be like all the rest…what a lie but it was so comforting to me last night when i really needed it most..is there something wrong with me? is that why i was being that way? why does it feel like everything and everyone is leaving like oh no here she comes, the hurt one we better run and pretend like she is not here and like she doesnt matter and lets run we are in so lets run … but but why why? maybe thats all there is gonna be for me?