This is my first time writing here and I dont know what else to do. I have been a self injurer since I was 10 years old and I am 27 now. I have had moments where I go without but I recently started up again and I cant seem to stop. My close friends know about it and are as supportive as they can be for people who truly dont understand. I am so confused. I feel this emptiness and sadness inside that I cant seem to truly express.I keep going on like there is nothing wrong but I dont know how much longer I can do this. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and through the day I find myself bursting into tears and wanting to si. I feel as though nobody really understands but how can they if I cant even verbalize it. I talk to them and use words but the words are empty I cant seem to bring the emotions out anymore. I have been battling with this issue along with my depression and my past issues for a long time. No matter what doctors I see or what therapy I do there seems to be no change. Maybe the problem is me, maybe I am not meant to get better. Right now I am sitting in front of the computer trying to keep my mind and hands busy. I cant seem to sleep long enough, meaning that eventually I always wake up. I go back to work tomorrow after being out for  a while due to illness and I dont want to go but have to. I feel so worthless and out of control. I have not done anything productive with my life, I am just exisiting and surviving and its starting to not be enough. I feel as though i  am already dead.  dont know what to do or where to turn. Thanks for letting me vent, I dont know if this will even make a difference. I am looking into SAFE alternatives treatment program but not sure if it is the right thing to do or if I can afford the last 15 days of treatment. I guess I have to wait and see. Thanks again.