Ok this is probably going to be really scattered, but i need to get everything out. And it might be kinda long.
First off tomorrow would have been 2 weeks, but i slipped today. I was actually doing better and things we’re actually ok the past couple of weeks. Ive made some new friends who have helped me so much. I actually felt loved and wanted. But that feeling soon left.
I just feel like a freak. Like there’s something wrong with me. I’ve been a christian for most of my life and God is my everything. Not saying im perfect, cause i’m far from it. But I’ve been able to go to God in times of crisis. Obviously when i started si a few months ago i definitely was falling from God. I felt like I wasnt worth anything and that God just didnt care anymore anyways. So i chose not to care. But the past couple of weeks I came back to Him and that’s the only reason things were great again. But ive just fallen from Him…again. Its just this big cycle…i screw up, then i go back to Him and everythings better, then something happens and i screw up again. I can’t just stick with it. I feel like a failure and a screw up. I hate myself and everything that i’ve become.
This past week was the worst. I’m losing one of my new best friends and there’s nothing i can do about it. It’s hard to talk about, but i’ve realized that I like girls…which is really hard being a christian. Please no one comment on this because i’ve heard every possible comment about it, good and bad. I just needed to say it so i could say why im losing my friend. Im losing her cause i started to have feelings for her and we got too close. She’s a leader at church and we cant risk anything happening cause she’ll lose her position. She likes girls too, so we had to have space from each other. Which is killing me….I’m in a recovery group with her and i have to see her 3 times a week, yet i cant talk to her at all. I have to avoid her and its so hard. She was my main accountability partner. She kept me going without si for over a week. We’re like twins. She gets me. She struggles with si too and has been clean for a year and just gets how i feel. She could always tell. I just miss her and it really sucks. Two Sundays ago was the last time I talked to her and she was not feeling good at all and i was helping her. Then i had to tell her how i felt, so then we had to say goodbye. Then last friday was the worst. I had to see her break down in group crying, saying that monday she had slipped on her si after just getting her year chip. I’ve never seen her so upset…but i couldnt go up to her and talk to her and see if she was ok. It killed me. I cant even handle being around her anymore…
Then on monday i found out that my best friend who is also my cousin, tried to end it. After a long day of crying i found out that it was weeks ago and no one told me. I understand the reasoning but still. I havent talked to her in over a month and its hard. She’s like my other half. We used to talk all the time and now we never do. I miss her so much. She moved to another state a few years ago and that breaks my heart everyday. Then tuesday i was still a wreck. I had to go to group and see that friend again. She announced that she was stepping down from leading and explained why…i started balling…no one saw cause i had a hat on, but they wouldnt understand anyway. I felt so guilty. I felt like it was all my fault. I could have talked to her that day, but i couldnt…all cause of the stupid feelings. I wanted to si so bad, but i actually didnt. I had people i was talking to and it kept my mind off of it. But that didnt last long. Today was enough. My dad was being a jerk and making me feel like crap like usual. He had actually stopped with his constant guilt trips for awhile and thats why things got better..but then he just turned back into his old self and became a jerk again. It was just the icing on the cake. Everything was overwhelming me way too much. And still is…i dont know how to get it out anymore. Talking things out isnt helping. Im trying to go to God, but its still just so hard. I feel like a screw up. I want to do injure…my head wont stop spinning…i dont how to handle it…i need help…but idk what will help…well thanks for listening.