I injured yesterday. No one knows.
I was doing so well and then I couldn’t breathe or think and then it was like I was waking up and I had done it.
I can’t believe I failed again. I’m not going to tell anyone because like with the recent posts, no one cares.
I broke down last week and saw a counselor. I went home feeling slightly more rational and told my b/f what happened, that I was battling with finding a purpose to keep going.
He was hurt and didn’t understand why his presence in my life wasn’t enough. I realize he doesn’t understand but that hurt so much. And I couldn’t appropriately explain it all well enough to make him feel any better, and only ended up feeling worse.
Yesterday was when I lost it. I sat there thinking a million things at once. And thinking about how no matter what, none of the people in my life will ever understand, let alone care.
I have always kept people away from my heart but I am trying to be more human and I’m failing because it’s so painful and because the transition feels impossible without support.
And people all think the same: She’s messed up. Don’t care, run away. Only messed up people have thoughts like that.
So the responsibility to mend is on me. And I am failing. Miserably.
I realize I should matter, and that a few other people matter too. What does it do to them to know I hurt myself or that I am staving off a will to stop existing?
I understand exactly what you are feeling, and it isn’t easy. To feel no one cares is something I feel a lot. But even if people seem like they don’t care, I promise you that they do. Yes, they may not understand, and this is common, but understanding and caring are very different things. If anything, quitting for yourself is still a great acomplishment, and feeling alone hurts but it won’t stop you from quitting if you really want to. You can pull through any time; it’s just about finding that right time.
I know in your situation it is hard to believe that there is anyone out there that cares about you let alone understands what you are going through. I have been there, I have been lost and scared and had a million things going through my mind with no way of figuring them out. I used to injure myself and for a little while it made me feel good, it made me forget all the negative I thought and felt but in the morning I would always look at my injuries with disgust and disappointment. I have been there and I can honest say it gets better. I self injured for six years but am proud to say that I haven’t picked up a tool in over 21 months. It takes hard work and it takes a will to get better and find a healthier coping technique for your problems but I can tell you it is possible. There is a world out there free from self-injury and the personal loathing that goes along with it. We may not know each other but I am empathetic to your situation, I have been there, I know the pain, and I know that it gets better. I am here if you need a friend and I do care, you can e-mail me anytime at sightburner1@aol.com.
Haley’s right. I feel like I can’t tell anyone. I feel like if I open my mouth, I’ll cry. And if I cry, people will think I’m crazy. I tell myself (I really do fear..) that I could lose my job. Hurt my sister or my mother. Eliminate people from my life I don’t want to lose. Here’s what I tell myself: I don’t want to tell people because they’ll think I’m crazy. They’re partially right. To hurt yourself is unhealthy. People aren’t supposed to be born with self-destruct mechanisms and so if your friends don’t understand why you think you’re going to die- be happy for them. They’re normal. They have normal, healthy instincts. You need to realize–we all need to realize–that feeling SO hurt and SO upset is actually not a normal reaction to fear, or anger, or stress, or sadness. It’s upsetting to people–they are literally chemically unable to understand it because they have probably never actually even FELT what you are feeling ever in their lives.