i am not a canvas for my own self destruction. i try to tell myself that over and over again, attempt to allow that to be the only thought infiltrating my traitorous mind. its the worst late at night, alone in the dark of my room, knowing all my weapons are within easy reach. i throw them away, attempt to get them as far away from me as i can, but theyre just so replaceable. its not like drugs, or alcohol, where the medium of self destructivism is semi hard to get, with SI, the world is your enemy. i try to keep my head full of happy thoughts, but my mind betrays me so easily and tempts me with SI. i can go for longer stretches, like lately ive been going a month between incidents, but the moment i cave the adrenaline rush comes flooding back. a few SIs and it seems like my pain is wiped away as easily as shaking an etch a sketch. its all too easy. why am i trapped?