I wrote this Saturday night with the intent to post, then got interrupted:
It’s now been three months of injury dominating my thoughts. I’m sad that I’ve lost a quarter of a year to this. I’ve barely worked, barely functioned. If I wasn’t self-employed I’m sure I would have been fired. I’m trying to be kind to myself. I’m not a materially oriented person but I bought some clothes that make me feel better and I look forward to going shopping again. The last thing I did was now two or three weeks ago but it still physically hurts. I hope it’s the last thing, at least the last for a long time but I have a hard time feeling distance from injury when I’m not physically healed. I’m scared now. I was scared when I started up again. It’s just too much. I disclosed some painful stuff a couple days ago it’s been hard. I lack the skills to feel normal again after being emotionally tossed around. I feel just battered by my thoughts; I generally can control behavior but the thoughts are exhausting me. I have a hard time with any movement around me. I need everything to be very still in order to feel any ease. I woke up this morning with a plan to get privacy and a tool to injure. I was giving myself permission. But then I was able find something inside myself that kept me distracted and I kept myself distracted for long enough that I made it to the other side and now I’m so happy. I’m sitting hear without any new damage and because I don’t have a fresh injury to attend to, tonight I’m going to participate in a healing activity that I wouldn’t have been able to do otherwise. I can have negative thoughts about myself for feeling so good that I didn’t do anything but I’m thankful to myself for not hurting me. I’m thinking of waking up each morning and silently asking myself, please don’t hurt me, so the voice of the part of me that doesn’t want to be hurt is heard. I’ve been too in touch with the part that gets confused and dizzy and in a state of vertigo right at the edge of a cliff.
Now it’s three days later and I want to share what happened next. The “healing activity” was an acupuncturist/Chinese medicine doctor/intuitive healer visiting a yoga studio in my neighborhood. I’ll preface this by saying that I have a strong interest in Hindu philosophy but (in the past) have run from anything that seems overly soft or new age. I’ve never even had any acupuncture before. I didn’t say anything to the doctor. She felt my neck and shoulders then picked up my arm to feel my pulse and said, Lots of crying inside. Cry for Mama, then felt very close to my injuries, which were all covered with clothes- she couldn’t have known about them- and she said that my skin was weak. She did her job….. and when she was a few inches below the navel – it was excruciatingly painful and led to spasms in my stomach that were like what your stomach does when crying, then slowly I was able to breath into it and calm down until I shifted and it got painful again. She came and I told her it hurt. She pulled it out and just sat there with me, her hand on my abdomen for a long time and she talked to me about anger and forgiveness but mostly just sat there with me. I came home several inches taller and feeling freed. It’s all still happening- some pain and shifting and feeling some interior freedom after the pain. I feel released- I had a total break from the invasive thoughts to injure for over a day (best vacation ever) and now when the thoughts do arise they’re easier to tolerate and I can reflect on the experience I had and they dissolve. I went without any expectations and without it occurring to me that it could help my emotional problems. Now I feel that if I can summon the courage to allow this to be a turning point, it can be that for me.