Do you ever feel as if your not good enough? Not good enough for anyone or anything ..Just a waste of air, a waste of skin? That’s how I feel all the time ..you think well sure you have friends&family ..but what do you do when they all walk out on you, when it was all just a big lie to begin with ..and the only person or people that you know ever cared have passed away ..what do you do then? You do what I do, slap on a fake smile and pretend like you haven’t a worry in the world. Most believe that your okay, most don’t bother asking otherwise ..most know that you aren’t alright but are too afraid to ask ..no one ever knows what happens behind closed doors.
Does anyone see the hurt in my eyes? Does anyone see my life slowly breaking? ..of course not, because most don’t look that deep. No one knows what happens when i’m alone, they see the evidence, but believe the lies I tell to cover up what really happened. No one sees the hurt in my eyes, no one sees the pain i’m going through because no one cares to look ..no one cares to look deep at who I am, no one cares to understand me ..probably because i’m far too complicated for anyone to know ..because truely I don’t even who I am, I don’t understand myself ..i’ll never understand myself. The only part I understand is that i’m never going to be good enough for anyone .. it’s became clear over the years that all i’m good enough for is to be ripped apart and thrown out the door.
It’s hard to know that, it’s hard to know the only thing your good for is so people can get their pleasure from your pain ..It’s hard to know that the only people that you know have cared for you the only people that have ever been there for you, that have never judged you and would never change their mind about you ..have been taken away from this world way too soon. It’s hard to know that now when you need someone to talk too, they aren’t there. They aren’t there to say the fimilar words they always told you before that would put an instant smile on your face&make everything okay. But now, they aren’t there and they never will be there to say the words that would make everything okay ..Other people say them, but you know it’s just not the same..It’s not the same voice, it’s not the same meaning -it kinda just means nothing.
You wish so badly, so badly that they would come back, come back and make everything alright once again. Or, you wish so badly that you could just go join them ..you try so hard, so hard but it never turns out the way you want it too. You want things to go back to how they were, to have that person there to talk too, to have that person there to hug, to have that person there to tell you that they love you, to have that person there to tell you that everything is going to be okay and that they are there with you every step of the way ..but then all that dies when they die. A piece of me is lost everytime I lose someone ..many pieces of me have died in the last 3 years.
I’ve lost all I am, all I was and all I ever will be ..now, a waste of air ..a waste of a being.
I wish, I wish so badly that I could be good enough ..good enough for someone or something but I know that those pieces of me died when I lost them.