okay so i now im falling and falling into this black hole of nothing that seems to be every where i go. i can never get away from it..ugh its so fustrating..today makes the 4th week that i have been crying straight..all i ever think about is si..its on my ming so much lately and everyone is so worried..sometimes i wish i could just get a grip or something..but i feel that i really truely depend on it and that its like my life line..im worried but all i want to do is si..so badly i have everything but just cant..i dont see why im stopping myself i would control all the pain and make it liveable if i could..man i want to so badly but do i really deserve all of this?why do i feel like such a let down?a horrible person?why cant anything go right for me JUST ONCE?why cant i be happy?its not fair everyone around me gets to be all smile and nothing wrong!!!i was the shy no talking you cant get anything out of person and now that im si’ing im even worse at it..i wont talk or tell anyone anything and i know how bad it hurts everyone around me but im so tired of being hurt that i want to control it all the time and it feels like its so hard to control at times.man i really hope i can make it threw the weekend….im so stressed which doesnt help me in any way..i want to take all my fustration out on me so badly but if my mom found out its all over im over with.why do i need this?why cant i stop?why does everyone leave and hate me?why cant they stay?why do they have to go?i dont understand!!!!im tired of hurting by other people so i have to control it no matter how much it may hurt.its something that i depend on and have for some time now…people dont seem me as the si kinda girl they all think ive got everything that im happy cuz i smile all the time but can it tell you its FAKE NOT REALLY SOMETHING I DO TO MAKE YOU NOT ASK? its for me i want that smile to mean something but it just doesnt i can pretend to be but nothing ever happens its always all wrong and i suuk at it.
So i can pretty much relate to a lottt of the blogs being posted. But yours is one that definitely sticks out for me. I cry like…ALL the time, about everything. And I’d say about 95% of the time I’m thinking about SI. Or about when I might do it next. Or really just anything about it….I can’t grasp why it’s such an addiction. Like I want out just like everyone else, why can’t it be that easy? And friends and family, well they would never understand it unless they were going through the same thing as us. I’ve learned that telling my friends might help a little…but in the end you really have to rely on pulling yourself up. Which can be really hard, but it’s just what needs to happen you know? I’m sure your friends and family care about you so much, they just don’t know how to help you…or what to say. What they don’t realize is sometimes when they say nothing at all, it just makes it worse for you. They usually go from one extreme to another…either they completely leave you alone, or they smother you about it all the time! That drives. me. crazyyyy. Nobody would see me as a girl that would SI either. I mean, i put on that happy face all the time, and nobody thinks anything of it. But sometimes I wish people could just see my pain…like I want them to see what it’s like to feel like this everyday. I totally understand what you’re saying though, I really do. If you ever want to talk, I have myspace. 🙂 haha