okay so i now im falling and falling into this black hole of nothing that seems to be every where i go. i can never get away from it..ugh its so fustrating..today makes the 4th week that i have been crying straight..all i ever think about is si..its on my ming so much lately and everyone is so worried..sometimes i wish i could just get a grip or something..but i feel that i really truely depend on it and that its like my life line..im worried but all i want to do is si..so badly i have everything but just cant..i dont see why im stopping myself i would control all the pain and make it liveable if i could..man i want to so badly but do i really deserve all of this?why do i feel like such a let down?a horrible person?why cant anything go right for me JUST ONCE?why cant i be happy?its not fair everyone around me gets to be all smile and nothing wrong!!!i was the shy no talking you cant get anything out of person and now that im si’ing im even worse at it..i wont talk or tell anyone anything and i know how bad it hurts everyone around me but im so tired of  being hurt that i want to control it all the time and it feels like its so hard to control at times.man i really hope i can make it threw the weekend….im so stressed which doesnt help me in any way..i want to take all my fustration out on me so badly but if my mom found out its all over im over with.why do i need this?why cant i stop?why does everyone leave and hate me?why cant they stay?why do they have to go?i dont understand!!!!im tired of hurting by other people so i have to control it no matter how much it may hurt.its something that i depend on and have for some time now…people dont seem me as the si kinda girl they all think ive got everything that im happy cuz i smile all the time but can it tell you its FAKE NOT REALLY SOMETHING I DO TO MAKE YOU NOT ASK? its for me i want that smile to mean something but it just doesnt i can pretend to be but nothing ever happens its always all wrong and i suuk at it.