February 25th would have marked 7 months free from SI but I slipped up Sunday. I’ve been going through a bit of a transition lately. My mother has a Personality Disorder which makes her not really fun to live with. A month ago, a confrontation started when I got home and don’t even remember exactly how it started. It ended with me packing and crying and her continuing to attack me since emotion freaks her out. I went to my sister’s aprtment and have been living there since. My mom called me a couple days later while I was at work and sounded like she had been crying. She told me she loved me and I acted as if nothing was wrong like we have in our family my whole life. I’ve seen her a few times since and they have been mostly good interactions except for the argument we had at my sister’s apartment when she was over for dinner. She thinks that if I simply disagree with something she says or if I express that my feelings have been hurt by something she said, I’m giving her an attitude. She says I just want a relationship on my own terms…um…huh? If by my own terms I want to be respected, listened to, have my feelings validated, and not feel constantly belittled and on the defense, then….yeah. I do.
I’ve been sharing a room and bathroom with my sister and 8 year old nephew for a month now and not having my own space and routine has been messing with me lately. I’ve started to get into sad and lonely moods. On Sunday I SIed and purged. It had only been a month and a half since I last purged but had been half a year since I SIed. I felt very sad and guilty about it. When I went into therapy, my therapist was really nice about it and told me it did not take away from my worth at all. I need to get this idea from my mom out of my head saying I need to be punished for everything. It hinders my progress in my recovery and growth as a healthy young woman.
I just need my own space again. We’re moving into another apartment on Saturday and I will have my own room and bathroom. Whoo! I think I’ll feel much better getting into my own routine again. Hopefully the urges will go away again. I don’t want to go down that road.