I just can’t keep on doing it to myself anymore and today, I firmly believe with my whole heart and soul… that today was the last time I could ever injure myself. It didn’t work, no matter what I did to try and make it work or give me relief — it just didn’t work.
I emailed my sponsor and close friend this morning when I was feeling overwhelmed. She sent me scriptures, of which I initially ignored, and just continued to have my mental melt down. I did everything I could to convince myself that injuring would help — emailed her back and said I needed to talk, then I tried my hardest to convince myself that injuring would work. It worked for me in the past and I was determined to make it work for me today… so I tried and tried…. and FAILED!
As I was sitting there hurting myself, I came to realize I could never hurt myself enough to make all the pain I have inside go away. Then I finally called her and told her “SI doesn’t work” to which she simply responded, “yes – I know this already…” We spoke, I got mad and we both hung up. I called her again and finally listened to what she had to say. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about exactly what was bothering me, but I knew I needed to talk about something/ anything/ what was going through my head. I verbalized to her why and what self-injury was trying to accomplish for me and then it finally clicked that SI wasn’t doing any of what I said it was… and the pain wasn’t going away.
We spoke for a good hour today. I was having a terrible morning and missed work. My life is falling apart. I learned this afternoon that SI didn’t change anything whatsoever.
Talking and listening are what have changed things and what will continue to change things. My sponsor/ close friend has been telling me it is my thoughts that are running out of control. I can control my thoughts, just like I can control whether or not I self-injure. I must put GOOD thoughts in my head and allow GOOD thoughts to come in, meaning I must start surrounding myself with a healthier environment. Change in thought leads to change in action.
Now I’m sitting here, physically not doing too awesome, but alive. I’m grateful for the lesson I’ve learned today, even if I have had to learn it the hard way. The temporary fix of SI is never long enough and the scars never enough that we can’t remember where they were.
I never even told my sponsor/ close friend what triggered me on the phone today because I wasn’t ready and I’m still not ready, so those feelings are still with me and now I have to medically deal with another issue ON TOP of the feelings I was trying to get rid of. I only made things worse, except for what i learned. I’m going to give her my “tools” in the next few days and I’m looking forward to getting rid of them once and forever!