I just can’t keep on doing it to myself anymore and today, I firmly believe with my whole heart and soul… that today was the last time I could ever injure myself. It didn’t work, no matter what I did to try and make it work or give me relief — it just didn’t work.
I emailed my sponsor and close friend this morning when I was feeling overwhelmed. She sent me scriptures, of which I initially ignored, and just continued to have my mental melt down. I did everything I could to convince myself that injuring would help — emailed her back and said I needed to talk, then I tried my hardest to convince myself that injuring would work. It worked for me in the past and I was determined to make it work for me today… so I tried and tried…. and FAILED!
As I was sitting there hurting myself, I came to realize I could never hurt myself enough to make all the pain I have inside go away. Then I finally called her and told her “SI doesn’t work” to which she simply responded, “yes – I know this already…” We spoke, I got mad and we both hung up. I called her again and finally listened to what she had to say. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about exactly what was bothering me, but I knew I needed to talk about something/ anything/ what was going through my head. I verbalized to her why and what self-injury was trying to accomplish for me and then it finally clicked that SI wasn’t doing any of what I said it was… and the pain wasn’t going away.
We spoke for a good hour today. I was having a terrible morning and missed work. My life is falling apart. I learned this afternoon that SI didn’t change anything whatsoever.
Talking and listening are what have changed things and what will continue to change things. My sponsor/ close friend has been telling me it is my thoughts that are running out of control. I can control my thoughts, just like I can control whether or not I self-injure. I must put GOOD thoughts in my head and allow GOOD thoughts to come in, meaning I must start surrounding myself with a healthier environment. Change in thought leads to change in action.
Now I’m sitting here, physically not doing too awesome, but alive. I’m grateful for the lesson I’ve learned today, even if I have had to learn it the hard way. The temporary fix of SI is never long enough and the scars never enough that we can’t remember where they were.
I never even told my sponsor/ close friend what triggered me on the phone today because I wasn’t ready and I’m still not ready, so those feelings are still with me and now I have to medically deal with another issue ON TOP of the feelings I was trying to get rid of. I only made things worse, except for what i learned. I’m going to give her my “tools” in the next few days and I’m looking forward to getting rid of them once and forever!
Wow, I cannot tell you how inspiring this is. It’s like a breath of fresh air;
it’s hope for me. I’m very greatful for you putting this up here, and I’m also very proud of you for getting through this. Please keep it up! If you’d like to, I’d love to hear some more about how you’ve brought this to an end. My email is h_grueninger08@yahoo.com. If you’d like to talk, that is.
Wow that was actually really inspiring to me. Im so glad you realized that it doesnt work for you…not so glad it was the hard way, but im glad you learned that lesson anyway. Sometimes we have to really hit rock bottom until we realize things and God can really show us things. I can see that it really impacted you and it impacted me too. Thanks for posting this. I hope you can get the courage to talk to someone about what happened and about your emotions. Im here if you need to talk. My email is gods2weety@yahoo.com if you dont already have it.
I haven’t hit rock bottom per say, I’m just tired of the false sense of security I was finding in self-injury. I’m still falling, but I’m not carrying the weight of being “active” with self-injury along with me. I will always have the scars, but I’m leaving the behaviors behind TODAY.
I’m 26. I have a lot of things to come to terms with and a lot of growing up to do. My life is falling apart and self-injury isn’t helping it any, it is only further complicating things. I’m spending precious time and energy in the negativity of self-injury… the thoughts, the actions, the secrets.
It takes so much to hold onto and hide everything and for me, it isn’t worth it anymore. I want to move forward in my life and the burden of self-injury is one of the things holding me back from my full potential. I don’t know who or what I am without it. I’ve done it for so long and my body is significantly disfigured because of it. I don’t ever regret turning to self-injury, however I can’t survive (muchless live) like this anymore. I could have taken off an arm or leg today and it not been “enough” — and this scares me to death… Had I not picked up the phone and told my sponsor she was right about self-injury not working, I could have died today on accident as a result. There is no amount of hurting myself that would ever take the emotional pain I have inside away, so there is no point at continuing to hurt myself any longer.
My body physically must heal right now and then I’m going to focus solely on recovery, which for me is only possible with a relationship with my “higher power” (Jesus Christ). I can’t save myself from me. For me, recovery is about all about surrendering control and accepting the fact I can’t save myself.