so I feel like I’m spiraling further and further, despite being clean for 5 days (whoo hooh, five days, no SI.) I can’t pull it together and I am dragging major in my school work, I can’t focus. Good news is that I got an appointment with my doctor, so hopefully that will help, though that’s frustrating too because I can’t tell her the whole truth or else I might be admitted. I just want to scream “Help! Can’t you see me?” No one can of coarse because I’m my own worst enemy and I hide it. Only my closest friends and my mom know and nobody knows how bad my thoughts have gotten. I feel lost, frustrated, scared and alone. And I can’t sort any of this out. I wish they would just announce that this really is an addiction so that there could be sponsors, not just a random hotline or a doctor you have to wait forever to see. I guess I just feel defeated because I’ve tried to quit this and it seems to have its claws so deep into me and no one understands that, they think I’m just misbehaving. Will I ever get better, will it ever not be me? Can I ever be me and not that girl who hurts herself, will it ever not define me? I guess this blog had no specific point, just to vent, to people who can see me (figuratively, of coarse), who know that I’m not just a screw-up and a bad person, that there’s more beneath all this mess, who understand. Please comment, I could use a kind word….