I really need to get this out there because I’m not sure if anyone feels the same way… and I need some help with this one. The one thing about my SI is that I feel as if it is my security blanket… like it’s the way I feel safe. If I have a problem I know that is the one thing that I will be able to turn to and it gives me an eerie sort of relief, though also temporary. It just seems as if that is wrong, to feel so safe in something that hurts me. I feel stable with something that is so dangerous, so wrong. Is that wrong? Is it terrible to feel as if the only thing that can save me sometimes is the one thing that makes me fall? I don’t know, but that is my dilemma.
Which brings me to last night. I was so upset because of something that happened, and when I get upset I lose my entire sense of self-worth. I feel unwanted and useless, like some sort of crappy person who doesn’t really deserve the friends and family that I have. There is nothing that can save me at that time but either SI or sleep. I used to have bulimia, which I learned was also another form of SI and an ED at the same time, but now I turn to injuring.
But I won’t give in to it! I want to be better, I do. I call out to God for strength because I want this to be gone. I hope you all will give your opinions and support, thanks a lot to all of you who listen.