it feels like it has been months since i last SIed when it has actually been a little less than a week, 6 days exactly. its funny how time goes by so much slower when you’re counting the days that pass. in the last 6 days, however, a lot has happened. i went to that party i was stressing about. i wore short sleeves, but covered the majority of my scars with make up. they were still kind of visiable, but to my knowlege, no one saw anything. i had a really good time at the party, though. it was one of my really good childhood friend’s party and a bunch of my friends from my middle school and elementry school were there. its only been about two years, but it seems like decades. i, of course, danced the night away. it was such an amazing release, and afterwords i felt like such a weight was lifted off my shoulders. i knew the weight would be back, but it felt like how it does when i SIed: temporary relief.
i am working on those alternatives that everyone is telling me about. stress, however for me, can not be relieved by crying it out or screaming into a pillow or even writing. i have found another, but i dont think its such a great one. really, it’s another way to self injure. some of my friends do it and it’s more “acceptable” than injuring. i was so close to joining them, but at the last minute, my friend pulled me away and said “we had to go.” it sounds funny when i actually say it, but its really true. i’m having a difficult time, and i dont want to start SIing agian. this is the longest i’ve ever gone without doing something drastic or stupid, and i’m quite proud of myself. alternatives that other people suggest just dont seem to work for me.
oh, and for the record: I AM DONE WITH LOVE. IT IS NOT WORTH MY TEARS OR TIME. (ok. glad i got that off my shoulders.) i think love is such a powerful word, just as powerful as hate. i dont think i’m ready for “love” just yet. but i know when i do come across this “love”, it’ll be different than all these other imposters.
my parents haven’t been getting along with eachother lately, and in turn, i haven’t been getting along with either of them. almost every conversation turns into an argument. so much happened in the course of these six days that i dont think i even want to remember everything.
there is so much going on in my life right now which leaves me few options of release. i just hope for now, i dont turn to SI.