i feel so alone sometimes.  i have my bff to talk to all the time, and shes really good about giving me good advice, but when i want to si i cant just come out and say it.  like when im at that state of mind where i want to, i feel stupid sending a text, or a message saying “hey i wanna s.i” i feel like then she’ll think i want to tell her because i want her to feel sorry for me. but i mean, thats not it, and i know she understands, because she used to si too. but after she stopped in high school, i dont want her to listen to me, when i know she still might want it.  it doenst seem fair to load it all on her.  but i dont know why i do it even!! thats why i feel so crazy 99% of the time.  there is nothing extremly hard in my life that i cannot or should not be able to handle it, but i cant.  and alot of people who dont know me, would NEVER think im like this.  No one outside my parents and brother know i do it. And its ridiculous that i should need it, but its almost a habit.  i mean no one really knows me, not even my parents.  i dont think i know who i am right now, so i don expect anyone to know what im going through.  there was a guy for a while, who had si-ed in the past, and had over come alot of things in his life, and i really felt like he helped, he would ignore me if i did it, but if i went to him before i did it, he would take me out of it. and thats what i need now, but i dont know what to do. now i realize our relationship then was only physical. i mean, i guess i knew that to begin with, but when he saw the scars i had, he understood. and for a while i thought he would be my “life raft” almost.  but there was a little hitch.. he had a long time girl friend, AND they got married a few months after we stopped talking.  So after i found that out i felt even worse and si-ed even more.  so the one person who did help me, made me si more. and now to top it all off.. texted me last night saying he missed me, and was worried about how i was doing. Seriously? Im finally over it, im finally over the fact that he LIED to me, and he goes and messes with me again. i ignored him for a little bit, but i did si.  ugh i just dont know.  i feel like i go in circles all the time. one min i want to si, the next i want someone to tell me to stop.  i feel like im on a roller coaster. i never know when im going to go really low, or really high.  i probably sound like some crazy needy person. im not, i do fine alone, i actually do alot better when im alone, but when i need that person to call/txt/message and say, talk me through this, i feel dumb and i stop. ugh i dunnnooo. sorry =[