I am a SAFE alumni from years ago. In this last year, I feel I finally conquered my 11 year struggle with anorexia, bulimia, compulsive exercise, and self-injury. I am doing very well with my recovery. I handle my relationships well. I speak up and ask for what I need. I take care of myself physically, emotionally, spiritually. I love myself finally and think I am a beautiful person inside and out. Now that I am doing so well and it is almost short-sleeve season, I am struggling with accepting my scars. I have horrible, very visible scars. While I was in the middle of my battle with self-injury, I never considered the permanent scarring. In fact, I was proud of my scars. I thought they showed everyone just how horribly I hurt and how horrible I could be. Now I feel my insides and my outsides don’t match. People who know me tell me they don’t even see my scars. I see them, though, and I am torn between shame and sadness. I feel so sad for myself that I used to hurt so much. I also can’t believe I did those things to myself. I’m struggling with memories of when I hurt myself and it kind-of triggers me. My therapist hopes I can see my scars and use that energy to feel proud of the person I have become. I am a strong woman – this I know. I just can’t get past this visual reminder of my past pain. I am so sad. I almost feel like I am waking up from a bad car accident and am just now really realizing what happened.
Thanks for sharing and good for you for making such progress in your life! I totally relate to the comment about the insides not matching the outside. I think there is a balance between accepting your scars and wanting them not there anymore. Have you considered using scar diminishing cream/gel? I used it and I am really happy with the results. The scars are still there but they appear so less prominent and are harder to noitce. The one I used had silicone gel in it and is what plastic surgeons use. You can find these products at pharmacy stores like Walgreens in the first aid aisle. Not sure if this advice is wanted but it’s just something I decided to do for myself that helped me accept my scars.
Kelly
scars can seem very disgustingand sometimes you just want them to go away. but maybe they can be a reminder to yourself of how strong you are and what you’ve overcome. that’s how i see my scars. maybe you can to. if you want you definitely try a scar reducing cream/ gel like kelly said. whatever you are comfortable with.
I was just thinking of very similar things, when I logged on and read your post. It’s like I didn’t know what I was doing at the time, but now that I still have scars…. I’m sad and sometimes a little scared over the damage I’ve done, and that I could ever have done it in the first place. Still, I view my scars, on most days, as beautiful reminders that God loved me EVEN when I was SIing…. (Knowing that I wasn’t worth less when I SI’d helps me believe that I’m still worth a whole lot, even with all the scars.) I know that might sound a little strange, but they often don’t seem ugly to me anymore. They’re part of who I am, only in the sense that they are part of where I’ve been. But I also know that although I can never take back those past actions, I did choose to be safe today… and I can choose to be safe tomorrow and all my tomorrows after that!! Anyways, like you said, with the short-sleeved weather coming up, it is getting harder. I don’t often hide my scars anymore, but sometimes I wonder how people interpret that. You know, whether they judge that as my flaunting my scars or being proud of them, or just wanting attention. I don’t think it’s that anymore, though. I’m starting to do a lot better with my SI, and it’s progressively getting easier to just let myself be and wear t-shirts and stuff. However, I think that all of us who are together in this, can put the shame aside. There is no more need to hide anymore or deny where we’ve been, even though the reality of our lives may have moved past such intense pain. For me personally, I feel even more bound by shame, when I purposely hide my scars from others. Revealing them is something I have to do to feel free from it all, because it just means that I was dressing according to… how I felt like dressing that day!! Fancy that. : )