I’ve been trying to write this for a long time, but haven’t exactly known where to begin. I’ve been reading the blogs and please don’t ever get me wrong I’m really happy for the people who have not SI it’s just that I wonder where am I going wrong. I’m losing more hope as each day goes by wondering if I will ever stop for a longer period of anywhere from 3-5 days. I just don’t know anymore and I’ve really haven’t been able to think too clearly because of this. I know for a fact that my Therapist & Psychiatrist is probably fit to be tied and want to give up like I think I just might have. No one know that I’ve been torn up inside know how I am letting everyone down. I’m trying so hard to focus on the fact that it can be done I can stop and I also keep reading about how other people have stopped and try to feel the hope that they write about. My thing is that while growing up I always equated abuse and love as being the same thing. I’m trying to not abuse myself like my family and certaqin friends have done or are doing, but I sit here thinking that was the only way I felt any kind of love from them and myself, I feel like I’m trappped and I don’t know how to get out of this. I’m just wondering when will enough be enough and how will it end. I really don’t know maybe it’s right in front of me, but if it is in front of me I can’t see it.
I know its hard to get out of that mindset, but that really isnt what real love is. whatever happened to you that made you believe it was out of love isnt out of love but it isnt your fault. thats their problem, not yours. none of it was your fault. you are loved so much, but it just might not have been shown to you in the right way. but just believe that you are loved and people can love you without abusing you and you can love yourself without abusing yourself. you really can. it just takes time. let me know if you need anything. cause i can love you and care about you the right way. email me anytime. gods2weety@yahoo.com
Hi Denise, the first thing that you need to understand is abuse is not love and love does not abuse, especially ones’ self. You have the right to love yourself, you have the right to take care of yourself and you have the right to understand that the only person that you are hurting is yourself. You are not letting anyone down except yourself. Yes, I know how it feels to be so torn up inside that you don’t think that anyone will ever understand what your emotions are that you are hiding. Been there done that, for far too many years. Tell your therapist, tell your pyschiatrist. Get all those toxic feelings out so that you can let clean feelings in. Don’t focus on the fact that other people have quit s.ing. I could have never done it on my own. I went to SAFE, that was the only way I was able to stop. I would never have been able to do it on my own. Your focus is in the wrong place right now. Your focus should be on you and just you. I don’t know how old you are, or how long that you have been s.i. but stopping doesn’t just happen overnight because you’ve read that someone else has been able to do it. People that have not s.id. don’t understand it. It doesn’t seem logical to them so they refuse to believe that you should just be able to quit. You have a therapist use him/her. Figure out what triggers you to s.i. What are you feeling when that trigger hits. I have been si free for almost 3 years now, but I still have urges. Those urges don’t just pass either, I have to really put a lot of emotional work into not giving in. I use my list of distractions, which have changed over the years as have my triggers. I journal, I email a friend who was at SAFE with me. I still need help. Everyone needs help, God didn’t put us on this world to be alone as humans are social animals, and isolating yourself doesn’t help, so don’t do that. Empower yourself by asking for the help that you need. You cannot quit on your own. You need to find out, deep down, where you keep your secrets, why you have turned to si as a way to love yourself. It’s not a way to show yourself love. Taking care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally is a way to show yourself love. Keep blogging so I can keep up with your progress. I know that if you use your therapist by being honest it will help you. Don’t let your therapist talk you into using an alternative for s.ing., like snapping a rubberband on your wrist, using a red marker or anything of that sort. It doesn’t help and the people at SAFE will tell you that doing things like that is not very helpful.