I’ve been trying to write this for a long time, but haven’t exactly known where to begin.  I’ve been reading the blogs and please don’t ever get me wrong I’m really happy for the people who have not SI it’s just that I wonder where am I going wrong.  I’m losing more hope as each day goes by wondering if I will ever stop for a longer period of anywhere from 3-5 days.  I just don’t know anymore and I’ve really haven’t been able to think too clearly because of this.  I know for a fact that my Therapist & Psychiatrist is probably fit to be tied and want to give up like I think I just might have.  No one know that I’ve been torn up inside know how I am letting everyone down.  I’m trying so hard to focus on the fact that it can be done I can stop and I also keep reading about how other people have stopped and try to feel the hope that they write about.  My thing is that while growing up I always equated abuse and love as being the same thing.  I’m trying to not abuse myself like my family and certaqin friends have done or are doing, but I sit here thinking that was the only way I felt any kind of love from them and myself, I feel like I’m trappped and I don’t know how to get out of this.  I’m just wondering when will enough be enough and how will it end.  I really don’t know maybe it’s right in front of me, but if it is in front of me I can’t see it.