i am just filled with so much RAGE and SADNESS that i can’t even express. so many emotions are running through my body. my chest feels tight and my eyes are watery and my fingers are shaking as i type.
first thing: jake the person i’m suppoed to be in “love” with thinks he has the nerve to IM me like nothing in the wolrd was wrong, even though he’s been flat out ignoring me, and not talking to me since i told him about my SI. he instant messaged me saying just a simple “hi” and i never IMed him back. i’m just so angry at him for not talking to me AT ALL for so long and then just talking to me out of the blue. who does he really think he is?! i bet he’s gonna try and call me now. it also hurts too, that he’ll just talk to me just like that. i thought that when i didn’t respond he would try and talk some more, but he didn’t. i think i’m overreacting. i think i dont know what love is yet. from what i heard, love is such a warm fuzzy feeling you have inside when you think about this one person, or this person is always on your mind no matter how much you try to stop thinking of him. i dont have a warm fuzzy feeling inside when i talk(ed) to or think about jake. i really, really hope its not love. i’m waiting for another knight and shining armor (HAHAHA HOW FUNNY) to save me from what ever peril i’m in.
second: this other kid, his name is sweden (no, not the country, funny name i know. got linked to this website by stupid me. he read all my posts, and he knows now that i’ve been lying to him. i cant say this to his face (and part of me really hopes he ISN’T reading this), but i can’t tell him the full truth about this. i’m way to afraid to lose any more of my friends. i guess he knows the majority of my SI story now that he has read this. i honestly didn’t expect him to find out which posts were mine, but he did.
did i mention that report cards came out today? well they did. and me, being a high school student, got all excited when i saw that i gained a few points. but when i came home, expecting my parents to be happy, they flipped. my dad, who promised to get me a new iPod since my broke, completly backed down from his promise, and my mom still kept my texting away from me. they said that they were disappointed in me. if my best efforts disappoint them, what am i supposed to do?! i try my hardest to impress them, since i’m their only child, but they’re always shooting me down. i bet they think they’re being good parents, but the irony is that they really dont know the half of it.
i’m just so angry and confused and hurt and a bunch of other emotions mixed together. and i’m trying so, so hard not to Si right now, because the temptation is almost beyond my control. i currently have my music playing and there are mad tears streaming down my eyes. i’m trying all my alternatives. i just hope they dont fail me now.
also, the thing about sweden is that he’s one of the happiest people i know (kind of next to jake, but not that close) and like he didnt know about my SI until recently. i keep this shell, this shell of emotions that i show to my other friends. around my closest friends, with the temporary exception of mandee, i let this shell break, and everything spills out. i can tell my closest friends ANYTHING and i consider my SI secret sacred. i dont know what i would do if anyone else knew about this.
oh, and i really really want to tell mandy (friend-like-sister) about my SI. i want to tell her tomorrow because i’ll be alone with her for a while. i hope i can do this.