i don’t really know why i’m writing this post, i just am.

as of today i am fifty- four days SI free. i’m really proud of myself because i’ve almost caved twice in the past week.  i seem to let my emotions rain down over me and i get lost in the flood. somehow, though, i manage to swim free.

actually, not completely free. i find myself constantly doing things unconciously and it’s freaking me out. cracking my knuckles, things like that. i think SI will forever live in me.  even though that may be true, i think it’s just a reminder of what i’ve been through and how strong i’ve been. i know i’m strong enough because i want to be strong more than anything.

maybe when i hit the two month mark i will finally tell someone. just so they know and can learn from my mistakes. and as much as this drives me crazy, i wish i could talk to him one more time. i just want him to know that he has destroyed part of me, but i have built that part back up. i want him to know that he has twisted the word love for me, but at least i know what love isn’t. i want him to know that he is dead to me, and even though he has scarred my mind forever, i’m a different, stronger person. i want to thank him for putting me through the agony even if he didn’t know it because i have climbed a mountain and can handle myself well.

and i would like to thank God for answering my prayers. sometimes i forget Him, but i know he’s always watching me and helping me back up when i fall.

to everyone still struggling and wanting to stop, believe in yourself. if you don’t, no one will. it is possible to stop. don’t give up on love.