yesterday i slept over mandy’s house, and stayed there for the whole day of yesterday and today. i had SO MANY opportunities to tell her about my self injury, but i backed away at the last moment. and just as i was about to leave, the sleeve of my shirt rode up a little. i didn’t know, and she noticed two or three injuries. “what’s that?” she asks pointing. i am not exaggerating when i said that i jumped out of my seat, almost sending my cup noodles to the ground. i was so close to saying it. so very damn close! but at the last minute i told her a complete lie, that my baby cousin threw a shard of glass at me when they were rennovating their house and it left a deep injury. she just nodded and didn’t say anything after that. i think she knows about when i did it the first time, which was last year when i started high school. there is this one injury that she noticed and i told her that it was an accident, and nothing more. she even asked me if i self injured, and i told her no. ever since then i’ve been really careful as to how much skin i show in front of her. back then, the thought of telling her didn’t even cross my mind. the thing is, i’m wasn’t so afraid to tell her before. i was really going to tell her afterwords when we were both laying on her bed and just talking about the most random things. but when she saw my injuries before, the look on her face was just so angry and hurt that i couldn’t bare to imagine how she would react. i’ve already lost one of my closest friends, and i didn’t want to lose another. this thought alone drove me near the edge, and while she was sleeping, i had to sneak in the bathroom and do it. it was such a strong urge that i couldn’t control. her brother was awake when i came back, and he asked me if i were okay, because i was in there for a pretty long time. i just put on a smile and said i was fine, and thanked him for being worried. part of me realizes that this is wrong, and i should stop for the sake of mandy. but the other part, the part that is currently running my life, says that mandy doesnt have to know and will never know about this. what doesn’t know won’t hurt her. coming from my experience, i know that is a fact.
speaking of close friends being lost, i tried to talk to jake again today. once again, i was shot down. and it wasn’t even about self injury. i just instant messaged him saying i haven’t talked to you in a while. five minutes later, he puts his away message up saying “not available.” not even the deafult message of “I’m away from my computer right now.” i’ve never seen that message up in the time that i’ve known him. concerning jake, i’m just so CONFUSED!! in my last post, i said that i think i’m in love with him. at this point of my life, i dont think i know what love IS. i’ve always talked to him and we’ve never had a fight, until just recently when i told him. i can just never get the memory of the both of us crying on the phone with each other, and him telling me in such a broken and sad voice “do you know how much this is hurting me?!” i hope that the time spent away from him will make me fall out of love with him, if that is even possible.
my self injury has been going on for about a year, or a bit more. i can’t remember exactly, but i know it started when i started high school. the pressure that i was having from my parents, my new friends, and my family was just so MUCH that i needed to find release. i did it once, and it gave me time to relax. after that first time, i took about a four month “break” before i started again. it hasn’t been continously (ever day) until just recently, about a month ago. jake once told me about alternatives, like crying it out, writing it out, screaming in my pillow. they work, but only to an extent.
my only hope now is in myself, and in the people around me. i hope i dont loose mandy. that is my worst nightmare.