I FINALLY found a sponsor to help me work a recovery program – it is a faith based 12 Step Program.  I’m meeting with her at church tomorrow and we are going to pray together before we start.  I’m excited, terrified, and going out of my mind — not to mention highly triggered. 

I’ve tried “12 Step” programs before… but never had a sponsor or even an accountablity partner.  I tried working the questions/ studying the lessons/ working the steps and just couldn’t really do it on my own.  I don’t know if it was because I wasn’t entirely ready or what exactly was stopping me.  I know for sure FEAR was playing some role in the process of me failing to work the program, despite knowing in my head how working the program would work if I allowed it to help me.  I tried recovery “on my own” and did fairly well up through the summer months too, then started spiralling down.  I hit lower than lower than low and then decided I needed to try and do it RIGHT THIS TIME. 

Anyhow, I have been blessed with a sponsor and we are going to meet for a little while tomorrow.  The irony plays in because I have been sick all week and I have physically lost my voice, yet I’m on the verge of “gaining my voice” by starting this program over again.  I can’t talk in more than a whisper without squeeking or it hurting, yet I feel like I want to jump up and shout and yell and scream and cry and talk and give it everything I have this time!!  All of these strong emotions are what have me so triggered right now.

Maybe this is all a sign that I need to be LISTENING right now, rather than talking…  Recovery and having a sponsor is more than just about me talking, it is about me listening and about having quiet time.