I started to SI when I was in 7th grade, I am now a sophomore in college. Between 7th and 9th grade, I would only SI every once in a while, and never injure enough to leave lasting scars. I just did it so i felt just enough pain to KNOW that I was alive. In 9th grade a senior, who I knew, got in a car crash on january 14th, and was in a coma. She was pulled off of life support on the 16th, because there was a very small chance of her coming out of it and an even smaller chance that she would be “fully back.” About a month later this guy in the grade above me committed suicide. I went to his viewing and saw his mother, and every time I think about killing myself I could her horribly, heartwrenching screaming and crying, and I just couldn’t put anyone that I love in my life through that. I stopped injuring that febuary. On April second in my junior year of highschool, my cousin ended his life. It hit me harder than I thought it would, I hardly knew who he was that last few years of his life. (long messed up story). I started drinking and I started injuring….again. That was followed by someone else doing the same thing. And then this fall semester of college, i had a miscarrage. i didn’t even know i was pregnant. I always use protection and I’m on birth control. I didn’t now until I had the miscarrage, that I was pregnant.
For the most part, 99% of the time, I am the “strong one”. The person who feels like i need to help everyone else, and make sure everyone else is okay, and be there to listen if someone needs to talk. I hate talking to others about my problems, i dont want to worry them.
Today I slipped big time. I dont need stiches, but i am concerned because i wasn’t worried or concerned at all, until now. i didn’t think i was gonna go as far as i did.
I’m scared of what my boyfriend is going to think and/or say. It’s been almost 13 months, with him i mean, and he knows i used to SI in the past, but never saw them, unless they were already scars. I dont know how he’s gonna react.
I started writing this post to ask for an opinion, but i don’t remember what it was going to ask, so if anyone has a response to this or anything please comment.
help
I too was always the one who listened to everyone else and was there to help everyone else. I was less than last on my list of priorities. I figured that there was always someone worse off than I was, so who was I to ask for help? Well I am somebody that needed to ask for help and start putting myself first. You need to realize that you are worthy of putting yourself first. The last thing you need to worry about is “what your boyfriend is going to think.” You need to worry about what the trigger was that made you SI and not what others are going to think. You have to help yourself and that means putting your boyfriend second and yourself first. If he really does care about you then he should have the feelings and emotions just to listen to you and help you figure out what the trigger was that made you SI. If he starts screaming and raging, then he’s not for you. Someone that hasn’t SI’d ever, might not understand the reasons behind it. There is help out there and not just this site. You messed up, you are not perfect, no one is, so quit playing mind games with yourself and start taking it one hour at a time again. Think about how you kept yourself safe when you didn’t self-injure. Start keeping a journal about just your emotions when you feel a trigger coming on. Make sure you write down what is triggering you, what you are feeling. As for having gotten pregnant while on the pill and using protection, if you don’t take the pill at the same time every day it is not as effective and also antibiotics will lessen the effectiveness of the pill. Condoms do break, trust me. Find a support system. Don’t be the strong one, because right now you are the one who needs help. Don’t be afraid to ask for it, because that is being strong.
I went to an AA Meeting tonight and someone said “it needs to be none of our business what other people think about us”. We shouldn’t be living our lives for someone else or to make someone else think better of us.
If your boyfriend can’t accept you fully for who you are right now, then maybe your relationship isn’t as healthy as it could be. It is normal for someone who loves us to get upset, but it isn’t normal for someone who truly loves us unconditionally to leave us forever. How or why would he find out that you hurt yourself anyway? What business is it of his if you have a slip-up? Just curious…
Hey i completely understand what you mean about not worrying about it till later and not knowing you were going to go so far. And I’m sure your bf will be ok. He may be shocked or scared but I’m sure he’ll be ok. But i’m here if you need to talk. my email is gods2weety@yahoo.com
I can’t say as I completely understand what you’re going through as I haven’t lost people in my life like you have, but I do understand your feelings. I have always been the “helper” among my friends and family, I don’t like to show my emotions, as it makes me feel weak. What’s hard is when you do open up and tell people and they don’t always react the way you need or want them to. Your bf may be like that or he may be the best support you’ve ever had, either way you both deserve to have this out in the open, secrets eat away at you, as I well know. I’m sure if you’re still with him, then he loves you very much and will want to try and help you, though his own fears will play a big part in how he reacts. As for slipping and not caring, I know how scary that is. It’s hard to explain to other people how you can scare yourself so much over not being scared, it’s one of my biggest fears too. Just remember you can’t be perfect and habits are not easy to break, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Hope things go well for you and hang tough, it does get better.
hang in there. =]