i had to give into temptation today, but my winning streak went on longer than i expected, so that’s a kind of plus? five days is A LOT to me. i was just so…overwhelmed with everything today. nothing seemed to be going my way. i got into this massive argument today about sleeping over my friend-like-sister’s house, and my dad drank and just screwed up my whole evening. and i worked like a dog today; these stupid idiots who i work with didn’t really help with anything and i just got so FED UP that i injured. i tried to keep myself as distracted as possible. i turned up my speaker system so loud that it drowned out my parent’s complaints, i wrote furiously in my little journal that i keep, and i talked to my friend. she’s not one of my closest friends, but she understands what i’m going through. she knows what i’m feeling because she herself is going though it as well, but she doesn’t self injure. she says that she uses a form of mental abuse. i told her it sounds like paranioa, but she said it’s a different type of mental abuse. i didn’t know what to say to her after she told me this.
i plan on telling my friend-like-sister tomorrow about my self injury. i’m sleeping over her house, so i think it’s a perfect opportunity. i’m just still worried about two things:
1) her brother: becuase their rooms are conjoined and i dont want him knowing as well. he’s like my little brother as well, but i dont want him knowing about this. if he does, i know things will never be the same with him, since i’m not as close to him as i am with his sister.
2) waterworks: when i told jake, the both of us were crying over the phone. she, mandy, is very emotional. she’s really sensitive to what people say to her, and so…delicate and innocent, i just don’t want to taint her with the burden of knowing. but everytime i’m around her i feel like i’m hiding a huge part of my life away from her.
mandy and i have been best friends since the 4th grade. our parents knew each other and we just happened to go to the same elementry school. even when she switched schools we stayed in touch. she tells me everything, and i feel almost guilty from not telling her this. i’m just so afraid about her reaction. the typical question i know she’s going to ask is: “why? what reason do you have for doing this to yourself?” i dont know how to answer that question and put it into words that won’t hurt her. she wont understand anyway. her life is all prim and prissy and just close to perfect. she gets almost everything she wants and her parents are leinent with her. her little brother is even nice to her! AND she’s really pretty. everytime me and her are together, people say we look alike. i still dont see it, after all these years. she’s always been prettier and skinnier and better at almost everything. i dont want this to ruin our friendship.
i haven’t talked to jake since then either. he hasnt been on AIM, he hasn’t replied to the comments i left him on myspace, he’s not on oovoo anymore, and i’m too afraid to call him… i guess i’ll just have to wait until i see him in school again, because i haven’t seen him in about a week either. i have a lot to talk about with him. i just hope he hears me out.
another thought crossed my mind: volleyball. i play on the varsity team for my school. in volleyball, we’re required to wear short shorts and short-sleeved tops. before, during those four days of peace, i thought that i could and try to resist the urge of self injury until summer came along, so this way the scars could fade to a less noticable state. now, i dont know what i’m going to do. volleyball has always been like my release, and the reason for my weight loss (which is one of the reasons i started SI in the first place). its winter now so i dont play as often, but when the time comes, will i be able to hide these scars? my coach says that we cant change out outfit; if one person changes, then the whole team changes. my best hope now is that they switch their unifroms.
and one last thing: i think i’m in love. with jake. i just hope it isn’t real. for both our sakes, i hope i don’t fall in love with him.