I’m feeling clear that self-destruction is what I really want. I want to spiral out and maybe hold on or maybe not. But I can’t. I’ve been meditating on the idea that si is my choice but I can’t do that either. I lost control. Part of me is happy- or fed and that part grows when it’s fed. I give up on trying to adjust my will. I can’t even think about my will. I just need a rule: I can’t. What really leaves me confused is why I shouldn’t just go for it once I’m already marked anyways. It doesn’t seem like it would make much difference. I know that if I keep this attitude then things will never heal. Another thing: I don’t understand this but this slip-up happened after I made a therapy intake appointment. (I cancelled my last one after something else bad happened.) I don’t understand why things are harder when I try to get help. Finding a therapist seems reaching for a rope that I’m kind of desperate for but I don’t know if I can do it and I don’t know why I can’t. I want to but maybe that’s because for me trying to get help is a self-harm behavior. I’m very confused. In the larger sense, I wasn’t doing very well (with my mind) before I made the appointment but I was doing really well with at least controlling the behavior. How could this be worth it? Please tell me that it’s worth it.