I’m feeling clear that self-destruction is what I really want.  I want to spiral out and maybe hold on or maybe not.  But I can’t.  I’ve been meditating on the idea that si is my choice but I can’t do that either.  I lost control.  Part of me is happy- or fed and that part grows when it’s fed.  I give up on trying to adjust my will.  I can’t even think about my will.  I just need a rule: I can’t.  What really leaves me confused is why I shouldn’t just go for it once I’m already marked anyways.  It doesn’t seem like it would make much difference.  I know that if I keep this attitude then things will never heal.  Another thing: I don’t understand this but this slip-up happened after I made a therapy intake appointment.  (I cancelled my last one after something else bad happened.)  I don’t understand why things are harder when I try to get help.  Finding a therapist seems reaching for a rope that I’m kind of desperate for but I don’t know if I can do it and I don’t know why I can’t.  I want to but maybe that’s because for me trying to get help is a self-harm behavior.  I’m very confused.  In the larger sense, I wasn’t doing very well (with my mind) before I made the appointment but I was doing really well with at least controlling the behavior.  How could this be worth it?  Please tell me that it’s worth it.