I am feeling so depressed lately. I was in a car accident and my one ‘get away’ (my car) is now gone.  I don’t have the money for another one and I hate it! Driving is a way to be alone and calm down. I hate that I don’t have it! I hate that I have to rely on other people. I had a chance at a car but I knew that right now I can’t afford it. I knew keeping it would be really bad choice. I hate everything that is going on right now. I need to SI. What does it really matter! I don’t know why I am fighting this. Its the only thing that clears my mind and de stresses me even if only for a few moments. I need peace in my head even if for that long. I need this blackness that seems to overtake my entire being to just go away and if SI’ing does that how is that so wrong! I can’t understand that right now. I go see my counselor tomorrow which is good but tonight is what I am worried about. Lately when I’ve done it I hold nothing back and I am not scared and don’t care how far I go once I start.  I’m so frustrated at the moment and defeated I feel like giving up compltely!