I am feeling so depressed lately. I was in a car accident and my one ‘get away’ (my car) is now gone. I don’t have the money for another one and I hate it! Driving is a way to be alone and calm down. I hate that I don’t have it! I hate that I have to rely on other people. I had a chance at a car but I knew that right now I can’t afford it. I knew keeping it would be really bad choice. I hate everything that is going on right now. I need to SI. What does it really matter! I don’t know why I am fighting this. Its the only thing that clears my mind and de stresses me even if only for a few moments. I need peace in my head even if for that long. I need this blackness that seems to overtake my entire being to just go away and if SI’ing does that how is that so wrong! I can’t understand that right now. I go see my counselor tomorrow which is good but tonight is what I am worried about. Lately when I’ve done it I hold nothing back and I am not scared and don’t care how far I go once I start. I’m so frustrated at the moment and defeated I feel like giving up compltely!
Jamie,
I care. Giving in to SI does not get rid of the blackness. You know that, it only makes it worse when it returns. Are you sitting with your feet on the floor? It is important that you stay grounded. This has been a long fight for you, I know. But hey, I’m still here.
I’ve felt this way before, too. The best way I’ve found is to realize how much worse and more stressed out you’d feel once the initial release wears off and you realize you’ve given up.
It’s scary how much I know exactly how you feel. The anxiety and obsession over the one thing that trully helps to shut your head up, and you feel you need it and it helps, so why is everyone trying to take it away from you. The thing is, you don’t need it, because there was a time in your life when you didn’t do it, for however brief and I bet your life was better then. SI takes everything away from you and that’s not really help is it? I hope you, and me, can find a better way to ease the screaming in your head and the blackness you feel. Take it one day at a time, you’ll realize you didn’t need it yesterday, so you don’t need it today, and if you didn’t need it today, then maybe you don’t tomorrow. It’s hard I know, and I’m not really one to talk about not doing it, but I want better for you. My email’s lovenhopenfaith@yahoo.com if you want to talk further, you know have help calming your head down.