self inflicted isolation

so alone

so my fault

that girl in the mirror cannot be me

her face is too pale

her eyes are too scared

whats that on her arms

………….injuries

whats that in her hand?

fingers clench

over the tool

whats that in her eyes?

those watery spheres of hazel

so alone

so alone with her tears

so alone with her scars

so her fault.

my therapist is making me write. so i am a bit. this week was bad. my mom decided i was thinking of ending it so she flipped…i hate things. but yeah. my best friend/guy who its complicated with came to watch me on monday night bc my mom doesnt let me stay home alone. i really wanted to si. btu i try not to bc i love him and it hurts him. but i got irrational. he was holding me to him with all his strength but i pulled away, and did one si but i stopped. for him. i didtn think hed know, bc i did it in the bathroom. however, he looked and saw it. it was barely anything, but it broke him. i felt terrible. i didtn think hed know, its like i could not have hurt him worse. he pulled me to him and i think was near tears. hes just like i love you but im ont sure what else i can do to help you. he said he loved me, that he would do anything in the world for me to be happy, and he cared more about me than anyone on earth. i felt terrible. part of me wanted to push him away and part of me just wanted to curl up into him. after he left, i got so depressed. i just was so sad. my mom freaked. i even wrote a note. i scared myself. i get sad sometimes but this was very bad. i froze up totally. all i wanted was out. i was so empty. im not me anymore.