it’s been at least four days since i last self injured. i’m somewhat proud of myself, but not fully. mostly because these urges are still there. i spent half and hour debating with this little voice in the back of my head on wheater or not i should or i shouldn’t. for me, self injury has become like an addiction; an addiction that is not so easy to break. i’m suprised that i got through these four days without faltering. i’m going to a party next week, so i’ve hung my dress over my door every day to try remind me to not self injure, or else people may start to notice.
i went to the mall today with a bunch of my friends. i tried on a few shirts, most of which were short sleeved. before i started to SI, i used to change with my friend, who i consider like my sister. but now, since i haven’t told her about this, i told her that i’d rather change alone. i know she kind of felt hurt when i told her this, but the last thing i want right now is for her to find out. i’m just so afraid that if i tell her, she’s not going to talk to me, or she’s going to break out crying and tell everyone else. or she might hate me, then tell everyone else. the worst case sceniro is the latter.
i havent talked to my best friend, whom i call on the blog jake, in a few days. he’s the only one who knows that i SI continusly, but he thinks that i’ve stopped for about two weeks. part of me wants to believe that he’s just been busy, but the other part of me wonders why he completly ignored me when i tried to talk to him on AIM or why he disregarded me when i told him that (along with a half a dozen of my friends who were invited) i was free on saturday and i would like to go with them to the mall. when i talk to him about SI he lashes out on me. sometimes he’d just ignore me, even when i call him and ask him for help. he’s lucky i’m coherent enough to call him and ask him to help me. part of me wants to forgive him and the other part wants to punch him in the face and competly dump him as my friend.
UGH i hate having these inner turmoils. there’s always an “us”, “them”, and “her” within me. it’s been like that for a while, but i know it’s not serious, because i dont go around randomly with different personalities.
i hope my four day winning streak keeps up. wish me luck?