So i wrote this story the other day. and two of my friends that i let read it said it was amazing and then i should post it on a blog. I used to si and on occasion still do. I hope this story can help some of you. Please leave comments and be completely honest :)it’s not too long, please take the time to read it.
So here I sit. Wondering how I ended up such a goof up. Wondering how things could ever get any better. Wondering what I did to deserve this. You see I have this best friend, and he’s my whole world. I would do anything for this boy. He and I have a very complicated relationship. Long story short, I love him. I told him. He didn’t love me back and broke my heart. I wanted him in every way and wanted him to love me. I would do anything for him, and I did. But it still wasn’t enough. Which brings us to now, me sitting and wanting to injure. I didn’t want to admit to myself that he was the reason but its true, it’s all because of the boy who I hate and love at the same time. The boy who without I wouldn’t be the same, and the boy who broke my heart in eighteen pieces. The past few months I was happy, because I thought he loved me back. Boy was I wrong. I know I needed to leave him, because this, what I’m doing to myself, is not healthy, but without him my life has no meaning. But then the other part of me reminds myself that I never did any of these things to myself before him. But then I think of what my life would be like if I didn’t have him to turn to and I started crying even more.
Tonight the only thing I want is my best friend to tell me everything will be okay but when I text him, that’s not what he says. He just proceeded to ask me tons of questions and say that I need to control myself better. I want to scream at him that saying that doesn’t work. He tries to help me but telling me how dumb that was to do and that I need to have more self control, has never helped. I keep pouring my heart out to him but he doesn’t seem to care. I text him paragraphs and exactly how badly I’m feeling and what I’ve just done and he responds with witty remarks and one word answers that hurt. I can’t take him being so disappointed in me and barely saying anything so I say I have to go and turn my phone off. I just stare at myself in the mirror in my bathroom for at least ten minutes. Seeing how pathetic I look with my mascara running down my cheeks and the puffy red circles underneath my eyes. All of a sudden I got extremely hungry and decide to go eat, but not before wiping the mascara off my face. Luckily when I get down to the kitchen no one is in there so I quickly got some easy mac out of the pantry and microwave it. I can only bring myself to eat half of the small portion before I feel fat and full again. I pour the rest down the drain so my mom doesn’t notice. It’s then I glance over at the clock and realize that no one was downstairs because its one am. A wave of sleepiness hits me all of a sudden so I head back up to my room and grab my phone on the way. I turn it back on and am disappointed when I only get one saved texted coming from him. He was being completely oblivious to my helplessness and just responded “okay, goodnight!” I wanted to respond with a really nasty response but its totally lame and past the fact so I decide to hold it in, and fell asleep. I feel asleep that night crying and wishing, more like praying to god that he would just catch the hint and realize we need each other and that we were meant for each other. When I woke up after my mom came into my room I tried to push the thoughts of last night out of my mind. But I still couldn’t forget about what he said last night. I went to shower. When I got out of the shower I just climbed back into my bed and watched sappy chick flick after chick flick while clutching my phone. It wasn’t until five that he decided to text me. And even though I was talking to him, I wasn’t happy. And I realized unless I get over him emotionally I’ll never be happy, because he’ll never love me back. He only loves me like a friend and I need to acknowledge that or else I’ll just keep getting hurt. So I decided right then and there that it was time to move on from self injury and Bruce. It will get better in time.