I’m really ticked off right now because a friend of mine was saying “just don’t do it”, when she knows I’m under so much pressure that I’m on the verge of shattering into a million, plus one, pieces! She thinks she can just tell me not to do it, then I won’t do it, and that will be the end of the story. I’m not a little kid who has stuck her hand in a cookie jar without permission – it isn’t that simple and I find it hurtful when people believe that self-injury all boils down to “disobedience”.
I find it insulting when my friends talk down to me when I tell them I’m urging or having strong emotions. I one of my triggers involves strong emotions of any type. This fact has hurt friendships because people will go out of their way to avoid exposing me to anything where I might experience a strong emotion — or they make light of a serious situation, hoping to snap me out of any possible feelings of wanting to hurt myself. I’m a “deep feeler” PERIOD.
I just wish I could tell my friends the following:
1. You cannot make me hurt myself or keep me safe from myself. You do not have that much power/ control over me. Self-injury is a conscious decision and is mine alone, not yours.
2. What you can do when I’m urging is let me talk. Let me cry and let me say whatever I need to say. Don’t take what I’m saying personally, just take it away from me. Let me talk and I’ll let you listen.
3. Don’t let me scare you. If I sense your fear, I will respond to it. I’m already petrified and overwhelmed and I’m reaching out, feeling myself fall, and I don’t need to sense your fear right now. Let me sense your love, your concern, and your stablity. If you can’t do this, then back away and ask me to step away.
4. Talking about self-injury with you is a privaledge, not a right, so don’t ever approach any conversation with me on self-injury with your own intentions. I will sense your motives and give you fake responses, just to make you shut-up.