i’ve been staring at the computer screen for about half an hour, not really sure what to write; not really sure how to put how i am feeling into appropriate words. i dont know how to explain how i feel to others who dont know what i’m going through. i’ve tried doing it to one of my best friends, and what does he do? explode on me. i was expecting him to get mad, but now every time i talk to him, he smiles, makes polite conversation, then asks “did you do it today?” i know he’s only being concerned, but it’s getting so annoying! i dont want to keep on having to tell him “yes” and then he’ll get mad at me. so i’ve resulted to lying. i can’t really look him in the eye anymore. and my other best friend, she’s like my sister. she’s my polar opposite: spunky, always happy, laughs too much, shy, silly. i dont have the guts to ask her for help. i know for a fact that if i tell her, she’s going to break out crying, then never talk to me again. if this is what my self injury leads to, then i want nothing else but to stop. my friend, let’s call him jake (that’s not his real name), isn’t really helping me. jake is always happy (i tend to befriend a lot of happy people, oddly enough), and cheers me up for a while, but what goes up must come down. he thinks i’ve stopped for about a week now, but i haven’t. i’ve chosen not to do it for one day, that first day i told him, because he was just so mad at me, that i couldn’t even bare to look at a tool. soon, that of his built up on me, and i just snapped.
i dont think anyone can truly begin to grasp the position i am in now. i am an only child with two very, very overprotective parents. how overprotective? i’ll list a few examples:
– i cant take the bus. period.
– i cant hang out within a three mile radius of where i live.
– i’m always under 24/7 survalance
– my parents believe that keeping me with them all the time will prevent me from doing anything “bad.” look where that brilliant plan has led up to.
– i have never been to a concert. ever.
– it is believed that MTV is a bad influence by the mr and mrs
– internet access is not allowed. (which is why i borrow my friend’s wireless, who lives across the street from me)
i feel so confined. like i’m locked up in a cage thats too small and i can barely move. my chest feels like its been crushed by this overwhelming pressure that i can’t lift. my tongue often hurts because i try so hard to refrain myself from staying something stupid when i am being ordered around by my parents. some people say that this is their act of love, and they’re doing what they do to protect me. my mom says that i will come to thank her in the future because she does this to me. “this” is not anything that child services should know. “this” is nothing illegal or painful (on their part). “this” is what causes me to go over the edge and inflict these injuries.
i keep such a different facade when i’m around my friends. with the exception of jake, no one knows about my habbit. everyone thinks i’m a smart student in high school planning which colleges she’s going to who has a wonderful happy-go-lucky life. i laugh and smile around everyone else, but most of the time, its all fake. all a cover up. in gym, my excuse for always wearing a sweatshirt over my unifrom, or long sleeves under the short sleeves is “i’m cold.” i wonder how long that excuse will last. i also have two parties coming up, both of which require formal wear. what am i supposed to wear, a long-sleeved dress? sure there are sweaters and whatnot, but how long will i have to keep these excuses to hide all my injuries? how am i supposed to go shopping with my mom and friends and not show my arms?
i’m trying to stop, i really am. i guess, for now, i’m waiting for help to come to me.