so i had a long conversation with my best friend about injuring myself. again she told me i have so much going for me and all that lovely crap. and she went on about how i will succeed in anything i try. and for somereason i just couldn’t bring myself to find truth in that. everytime we have these little chats, after i’m done i for some reason can’t decide if they make me feel better or worse. and another thing, she told me that comparing the reasons for why i do it to things going on in my other friend’s lives, she said that there was no reason, like my reason’s weren’t good enough. i of course just nodded my head but inside i was just like wtf. but are my reason’s not good enough, and she’s basically telling me i’m being selfish which i probably am, i have no problem agreeing with that, but if she thinks telling me thinsgs like that are going to make me feel better she’s sadly mistaken . because if anything now i feel worse, like i’m letting people down which i know i am.
and then i had a thought, i don’t want to be doing this for the rest of my life, i don’t want to have to hide it from my children, my husband. and that scares me that i might have to if i don’t get control of myself. but the thing is whenever i try, it never seems to work. and she kept telling me all these alternatives and things that i could do instead and i was just thinking the whole time don’t you think i’ve tried that. then i think she implied that i was doing it for attention, which is totally and completely false, because in a perfect world, no one would know about this except for the one person i told willingly, if that. and i just can’t believe she was saying things like that to me, and it just really made me feel terrible, like i wasn’t good enough. and i wanted to si while she was talking to me it hurt.
she told me she can’t understand what in my life is so terrible that i would want to end it. and then i try to explain things to her and its just like well my life’s worse, and i don’t do it. like i couldn’t really comprehend why she was saying such things to me, because they really really hurt. and like i think she’s getting sick of it, like she doesn’t want to deal with it anymore, and i don’t blame her, it has been a year already after all. and sometimes i really do think like she would be better off not having to deal with my problems, she has her own. i hate being a burdent ot people, i can’t stand not being independent and self sufficient.
i don’t know what to do anymore when the people i that had alwasy been there for me don’t want to be there for me. but yet i still can’t seem to fight this. i want to stop and i don’t think she believes me.
she dosen’t understand how i feel, there’s no way she could. i have issues with abandonment, and its not even like i had a terrible childhood, there honestly should be nothing wrong. like literally there is nothing in my life that one would think could cause me this much pain. its all a bunch of little things that add up and slowly push me over the edge. i may not have as many problems as you but i still do. it was almost like she was belittling my problems, so that they weren’t really problems anymore. like i was just being a baby about it and like i should suck it up and get over it. and that really really hurt. like i look at the lives of the people around me and realize that outwardly i have it pretty good. but inwardly, im constantly battling myself. my emotions take over and i don’t knwo how to stop them.
i don’t feel pain any more, i think i scared her when i told her that. si, it doesn’t register as pain, i feel it but my mind doesns’t identify it as pain, now its more of a release. and she asked me what like, what i feel like when i do it and i told her , i can’t explain it. and i can’t put a name to it or like an adjective or whatever. it just is. i just do. there’s no explanation. and i know she’s trying to help but liek she’s like you need to talk to someone, you need professional help. and she was trying to think of someone or something but everything would involve my parents finding out. and i couldn’t have that. i don’t have like a touchyfeely relationship with my parents. yeah i love them and htey love me but we’ve never been big okay lets talk aobutour feelings people.
now i feel bad that i’ve taken up all you’re time but i needed to get this out there before i went absolutely insaneee.