I want to feel what I’m feeling. The urges where letting off but now they’re bad again. I feel (made up by my mind, I guess) physical pain that I need to SI to release so I have to tolerate the urge and the pain if I don’t SI. I’ve been just sitting with the urges- being aware of them in the same way one might be aware that one is breathing. And sometimes they are as steady as breathing but as long as I can get some quiet I feel steady in my ability to just be with them because I’m motivated not to cover up the problems. I want to know what’s behind the urges. I use impulse control logs and they help me immensely. I’m shocked to see how out of touch I am with my own feelings, how hard they are to identify. But I want to identify them. I want to let myself be heard by myself and I’m not doing that if I remove the trouble with SI. I still feel this incredible frustration and violence inside of myself but I’m coping by journaling and letting it come through in my creative writing. One thing I’m very aware of right now is how caged I feel. As a wife and a mother my own love seems like a violence toward myself because everything I love puts me in a cage. I really believe that hatred is just one aspect of love. I want the bind of family to be a lock that allows greater freedom and expansion in meaningful (spiritual?) ways but I don’t know how much of that has to be about just finding my own mental ease in difficult circumstances. Surely the circumstances themselves also need adjusting. I’m trying. Really, really trying.