AHHHHH. I feel like a horrible person. I scheduled all these appointments ahead of time, and now I’ve cancelled them for the 2nd time. I canceled the first time because I was going to SAFE, and now I’m canceling this time because I’m changing my temporary place of residence, and don’t want to bill the insurance and myself more than enough co-payments for unnecessary intake appointments. The receptionist was less than kind, which I ultimately understand, because apparently these intakes are “1 1/2 hour appointment slots” (which I was not previously aware, ha!) but at least I called ahead of time…granted it is Friday and the appointments would have been Monday and Tuesday, but at least I’m not wasting the doctors’ time, having them give me assessments and then saying, “whoops, sorry, I won’t need anymore follow-ups because I’m moving!” right??

Other than that…still SI free…haha though it hasn’t been very long on my own, and although my life is totally in the air as of now, and I’m dealing with the messiness of finding new treatment providers over and over again (which I might add, is no fun process), and I’ve been pretty much alone in my quests for planning my future (though I have asked for advice), and I currently have no job, I, at least, am taking responsibility for my life, and not sleeping all day (which is what I’d really like to do) and pretending the world doesn’t exist. Plus…not to jinx myself, but I am so FREAKING HAPPY because I just got offered an internship (though, without pay, but with housing) that starts in April and runs through some or most of July, and while this does intefere with plans of studying out of the country over the summer, I have an offer and I am delighted =). If you know who I am, and check the ubiquitous facebook, you shall understand my “status update.”

Therefore, I am going to work so hard to take care of myself so I can be healthy for the internship and return to school and not feel guilty because I had to cancel appointments.

Though, I still feel guilty, because, according to my mind and society, the world says I should be able to plan out my life with meticulous detail, and I should be able to schedule the minutes of my day so that I can easily and seemlessly fit into everyone’s schedule without causing an excess of stress and work on their part. I should be grateful that I even can fit in appointments much less have insurance to aid in my healthcare. Therefore, because I have scheduled appointments but ultimately have cancelled them, I am demonstrating a less-than-grateful approach to my privileged life and healthcare coverage. I am playing the annoying patient, who interferes with these providers’ goal of accomodating all those who have sought help, and deserve less-than-courteous treatment. I am, essentially, demonstrating that I am not worth the investment, that I am flaky and unreliable, and snobbish to boot.

Why does this one incident provoke so much guilt? It is because I am still ashamed of my mental health issues and my irrational beliefs that I should be able to contain my problems and not let strangers, much less my family, help me with such intangible problems. After a week spent at home, trying to help out around the house and regaining a sense of normalcy, I have let the guilt and self-blame build up without being able to convincingly say to myself, “It’s okay, you’re forgiven.”

But did I really do anything wrong? Is having mental health issues wrong? If I were to truly think about what I did and did not do right or wrong in this entire process is that I didn’t have the courage to speak up early enough with the onset of my issues, and that I tried to keep these issues to myself. Instead, like a freakin’ pressure-cooker (but what do I know, I don’t even own one), all my problems exploded over all these people, affecting them in ways I wish I had not.

So, let these receptionists be angry and frustrated with me. They should be well aware of the complexities of life. (Then again, here I am, imposing my own expectations on others). I am doing my best, so pardon me for canceling appointments a few days ahead so that you may be able to slip in another patient on short notice, or in the least, give your doctors a rest, however brief (though in reality, you know as well as I do that these slots will be filled up like quicksand in a sinking Jeep).

I apologize if this was TMI and bored you (though, I doubt many read this), but I feel a tad better, venting on a not-so-anonymous blog.