Things are going pretty well for me in most areas of my life right now, but for some reason I just can’t seem to be grateful or happy. Last year I hit my lowest point, but things are getting better now and I don’t know why I can’t just accept that. It’s like there’s something inside me that can’t ever be satisfied and will never let me be happy.

  I get these urges to just do things that I know will sabotage everything I’ve worked for. I’m about to flunk out of my senior year… I blame it on extreme apathy, but I know it goes deeper than that. I feel like I’ve got no future outside of highschool (I haven’t taken SATs or looked at any colleges for the same reason). I find myself getting moody and withdrawn around my friends and my boyfriend as well. There’s only so much of my crap they can stand, and I know it. A part of me knows I probably won’t live to see my 21st birthday if I continue on this path and really doesn’t care anyway, but there’s another part of me that really wants to succeed. I haven’t SIed in months, but I have this growing apathy about whether I live or not that’s starting to freak me out. It’s a bad sign and I know it. I’d ask for help if I thought I’d receive some, but I know no one would take me seriously so why bother?

  But honestly aside from my mental state things are going well for me all things considered. I don’t know why my depression is coming back the way it is. It’s just been this on/off cycle for years. I guess I’ll muddle through as best I can for as long as I can and see what happens next…