I am a poet and an author and have been using Self Injury for five years and I can’t seem to stop. I’ve tried nearly everything that I can think of and it just seems like it won’t go away. I feel as if I have become some kind of monster. At school or at my workplace I can feel people staring, as if they’re burning holes in my mind trying to uncover something that they should not know. I have let down so many people and I have been thinking for a very long time now that things would be better off if I did not waste others time and get their hopes up only to disappoint them in the long run.
It is always worth trying to end SI and from what you’ve written, it sounds like you’ve tried many things but haven’t been successful in the past. You are not “wasting others’ time” by trying to get help from them. They obviously care about you, and things would not be “better off” if you self-destructed silently. You don’t need to struggle alone.
I know what it feels like to be “some kind of monster” and to feel people staring, whether they are or not, and it’s been helpful for me to know that people are almost always more concerned about themselves than they are about others. i.e. I have struggled with an eating disorder, and some days I feel as if I’ve gained tons of weight, and am so concerned that people see and/or notice, but most of the time, they have their own concerns and hardly care about my weight/size.
Anyway…I don’t know if this comment helped at all…but don’t stop fighting.