i can’t do this anymore. i can’t can’t can’t. im so alont right now. my best friend who is the only one that can help me is grounded i havent talked to her in like 2 weeks, and im breaking down. im going crazy. i need to SI so bad right now. im bawling my eyes out and i cant sleep and i want to just go back in time to when i could SI whenever i wanted. im so tempeted. i want to. so much more than i have in recent days. im shaking and i cant get control over myself, everything is out of control. my mind is a black hole and its spitting all the bad memories out at me that ive ever had to go through and its too much. this is all way too much for me. i dont want to give up but i really really do. i cant help myself anymore, i dont have enough will. and mid terms are this week, so i wont see my best f riend at all. i dont know what to do. who to talk to. how to save myself from failing again, from breaking my promise to myself. im scared and im angry and i just want to go to sleep and never ever wake up, just go somewhere peaceful and be able to stay there. but i cant find that place. that place has eluded me for years, and im starting to fear ill never find it. whenever i think im close, it just gets away from me. i dont want to deal with it any more. i dont think i can.