why is it that even when i feel like i have escaped i haven’t. my mom is upset because of the way things are going with my mentor. she doesn’t think that the hanging out we do counts and i just want to scream at her to forget it that i don’t see how it affects her except getting her to drive me to the rec which takes like 5 minutes. i mean even though we don’t do the stuff she thought we would do i like what we do. just hanging out, having fun and talking is a lot of fun so why should it matter. i am through the first week of exams and tomorrow the second starts. these will be the worst. 4 days with 6 tests crammed into them. i already feel stressed and am dreading it and quite frankly i think i feel depressed. i am back to just being empty. for a while i had this feeling where i was blank but there was a subtle warmth in me and even though i was very aloof that entire day i like it i felt calm. now htat feeling is receding and i just want to feel it again but i can’t and all i feel is anticipation for the coming days. and know i am worried i will freek out later tonight when it gets closer to tomorrow. i won’t sleep well. haven’t for a LONG time and i will just twist and turn and yearn for the warmth that was in me that one day and then try to find warmth somewhere anywhere because i just need to feel it. why couldn’t i see someone who’s hugs i don’t want to let go of. i am so tired right now. just so tired of everything.