“along the way. tears drown in the wake of delight. theres nothing like this built today. you’ll never see a finer ship in your life.”i feel stupid. i feel like ive lost. i can’t accept help and everytime i try to seek help…it seems like i just fall back to where i started. i dont understand myself.  i want somebody to talk to. i want to be able to cope with pain. i cant handle emotional pain. i cant handle her being so cruel to me. im her daughter…. the thing is that i have always tried to be their for my mother…but it seems she’s always trying to “kill me” and what i mean by that is that shes out to get me somehow. she doesnt want me to succeed or leave. she wants to keep me trapped here. but here i stay…like a loser…trying to save this sad relationship i have with my mother. my father…is never there…hes already left me before so, what will stop him from leaving me now? and now here i am…and ive started this again…i remember the longest i had gone without doing anything was six months. i felt so proud of myself. i felt happy all the time. no matter what went wrong i was happy. but now for the past weeks, i keep having nightmares. i keep crying. im breaking down and now i have no idea what to do. january 25th will be my anniversary. on january 25th 2007 i attempted to end it. i didnt expect to wake up but i did and it was quite a ride to the emergency room. now here is another january another year…and here i stand trying to figure out…why i didnt die that night….why didn’t you just stop my pain that night?