hi everyone, this is my first post here.  I’ve sort of avoided posting for a while because I wasnt sure what to say and I’m not positive that this is going to be completely coherent.

I’ve been SIing off and on for like 4 years or so.  I have a few friends that know about it but my parents and family don’t.  I guess I’m posting because I don’t have anyone to talk to right now and I’m not ready to go to sleep right now.  I’ve been on college break for a like a month and basically have been in my room for like 80% of the time.  I’ve been trying (unsuccessfully) to get a hold of one of my best friends that knows about my SI all vacation but she won’t return any of my phonecalls or anything so I ended up writing her a letter trying to explain some things and still havent heard back from her.  All I really wanted was to spend a few nights away from my house with her to see if maybe that would help me at all.  I have another friend that I talk to online and hes been helping, a lot actually, but its really not the same as being able to be face to face with someone.

I finally got out of the house for a few days in the beginning of this week but I don’t think it really helped.  I stayed with a friend that knows nothing about my SI and I was fine until we were hanging out with another friend watching a movie and all of a sudden all I could think about was how I didn’t want to be around anyone and I wanted to hurt myself so I got up to use the bathroom and really just wanted to stay in there for a while but that wasn’t an option so I had to fake it through the rest of the night until we got back to my other friends house and went to bed.

Basically right now I’m stressing out because I realized that college starts back up in a few days, I don’t have enough money for supplies and books, my dad just got laid off from work so my parents are going to be real low on money for who knows how long, I don’t have a job, and I feel like crap.  My mom told me not to worry about it that we would figure something out but I worry about everything really and part of me wants to just drop out this semester and get a job but she told me no. So I’m sitting here watching a movie to try and calm down and distract myself.