Hi! It’s been awhile since I’ve blog on this website and believe me I should have never stopped.  For the past few months I have been Self-Injurying because I’ve been so blinded by this anger that instead of thinking about what I should be doing I just do it.  My life has taken many steps back and for the most part I’ve been failing at going forward.  Everytime I think I’m going forward and finally opening up to my therapist and psychiatrist I stop and then I say to myself that opening up to them would make them laugh at me (I’m not exactly the type to be open).   I feel that the only way for me to stay in reality is to hurt myself.  I have felt like if I continue to hurt myself like my parents and various relative did it would mean they meant something to me and I wouldn’t be disrespecting them.  I also have been hurting myself by binging because I feel that the only way for me to keep this woman I know as a friend is to be like her in everyway.  I feel like hurting myself is the only way I feel some sort of love and I feel that the people who care that aren’t abusing me don’t really care.  Up until last night I was still hurting myself and tonight I’m not feeling much of anything except being a loser I mean other people have stopped why can’t I and I’ve gone through the program and it’s not like I didn’t learn anything it’s just that while I’m in this anger stage or feeling numb I don’t really think before acting I just act.  I’m also feeling like I’m a disgrace and not worthy of any help anymore because I’ve just lost all faith and hope about every little thing and it’s been really hard to get things back on track.  People I know have no idea of how down I do feel about myself and how that doesn’t exactly help me with my relationships.  I have thought about just wanting to be left alone and stopping everything in my life.  The reason why I haven’t blog is because I haven’t been able to think clearly enough to put a thought together and I’m sure none of this makes any sense.