Hi. I am new here, and I am not really familiar with S.A.F.E. or anything. I just needed someplace where I could talk, and not necessarily to anyone who knows me.
I am currently in my third year at university. I am been doing SI on and off since my senior year in high school, and I think I’ve told maybe three people in my entire life. No one knows I’m doing it again now, or that I think about it a lot. There isn’t really anyone in my life I feel comfortable talking to or telling about this, especially not my family. They are very supportive and I love them very much, and I couldn’t stand hurting my mom that way. When I was in junior high, I struggled with a minor eating disorder and it really shattered her trust and confidence in me. I feel like I ruined our relationship, and I would never want to put her through that again, especially for something that is completely my problem.
Like I said, I love my family and have a close group of supportive friends. Most days I am a very happy, well-adjusted person, but sometimes I get very angry/frustrated and I don’t know how to make myself feel better. I took up running but that seems less effective lately (I’ve been running since senior year in high school too…at first it helped a lot but now not so much). I am mildly OCD and a bit of a perfectionist. I know I am a very lucky person and I am grateful for everything in my life, but sometimes I just hate who I am. I feel ugly and like I have no self control, and I feel stupid (I’m a math major, so I feel stupid a lot, haha) and inadequate and I like I wish I knew what I wanted out of life. I know these thoughts are normal but I wish I delt with them better.
I feel like there is a dark streak inside of me that not very many people see. I want to hide it from most people, and there are a few people I would like to open up to but don’t feel that I want to impose that on them. It isn’t their problem. I hate being a burden or having people feel obligated to listen. My best friend lives across the country, and while we talk a lot through phone and IM, it isn’t the same as conversing with her face-to-face. My best friend at uni is a guy, and we don’t talk about “serious” things. Even if I felt I could talk to someone, I don’t know what I would say. “Hi, sometimes I injure myself on purpose because it makes me feel better”? I’m not suicidal, I would never even think about that because I’ve seen the damage it does. I like my life. SI truly does make me feel better, and there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to stop. Actually, that’s a lie; I don’t *want* to stop at all, I just know intellectually that it isn’t good or normal.
Like I said, I’m normally happy. This is so horrible and I’m so ashamed of this, but I’ve lied to my parents and even my *doctor* about my scars. I’ve never told anyone that before, that I’ve lied about that. And people believe my lies b/c I am a happy, hardworking and loving person (most of the time). So people wouldn’t even suspect.
I don’t want to ruin my life. I don’t want to be committed or psychoanalyzed or branded as a “psycho.” I could just stop, but it doesn’t seem that simple. I wish I knew what I wanted. But even if someone would listen, the dynamic of the relationship would change. I would be the crazy girl, or the pity friend, or something….
So yeah, that’s me. More than you probably ever wanted to know. But it helps to get this off my chest, even if I’m sending it out into the cosmos of the internet. If anyone has any advice, I would love to hear it. If anyone has ever felt like I have, or been in my position, it would help me greatly to know I’m not alone.
Hey I think that I know what your going trough……….. what I mean is if you would see me on the street you would think that Im happy all the time. That nothing could ever get me down and for the most part you would be right…..but than theres that day and its not everyday but something changes its like im a whole other person. When that happens I dont want to be around any one and DEFINATLY dont want to talk to anyone about.. thats when it happens thats when I SI, and while im doing it i feel like the pain, the anger, everything just ….escapes. What makes it worse is that Im in the Army and im supposed to be the role model the protector of our nation. f i dont know maybe i dont feel like you or maybe i do but all i do know is that we need to talk about it weather it be with someone we dont know IE: on here. Or someone that we would trust with our lives. …………………….. idk if this helped if it didn’t im sry i couldn’t help if it did know that theres ppl out there to talk to all yoku have to do is start the conversation
I can relate to much of what you’re saying. I am a junior at UNLV and I haven’t SIed for almost six months now. I can still remember what it felt like to be in the middle of the depression and seinsecurity, though. Thanks to counseling, anti-depressants, and getting in touch with my spiritual side, I am 95% better. It’s actually crazy to me when I compare who I was six months ago and who I am now.
I know what you mean when you say you don’t want to be a burden. My mom and I get along off and on, depending on what mood she is in (she’s has BPD). I could never trust her enough to tell her I used to SI or about my current small battle with eating issues. I have a great best friend who knows about things I’ve struggled with and was always willing to talk to me about it. I did and I thank God she was there for me, but there is only so much a friend can do. If you haven’t been through the same thing and came out of it or if you aren’t a trained professional, you can’t really help someone with problems like these. Even though she was great, I still became self-conscious that she would think of me as her sad friend or that I was putting too much on her shoulders.
This is why I really believe in therapy. Your school probably offers counseling services if not for free, for a cheap price. They will not think you are crazy or so disturbed you’re beyond help. They will just see you as a young person who is very bright and fun and everything you are, but who just needs to learn healthier coping skills. I think what will also benefit you is to work on the pain and guilt you seem to be carrying. It sounds like you have a lovely mom who cares about you a lot. If this is the case, you suffering from an eating disorder should not have ruined the relationship. This is a medical/psychological disorder, not you messing up or being a disappointment. Also, just because you are struggling right now and might want to get some help doesn’t mean that you are ungrateful about what you do have or that you are fitting the “i’m sooo emo…” stereotype. There is no shame in reaching out. If you had cancer, it would be expected that you see an oncologist, yes? In the same way, SIing is a sign that some counseling, even short term, would be beneficial.
You deserve more than feeling like you have a “dark streak” that most “normal” people would judge you for. You are not beneath anyone because you SI. Your peers that seem more sane don’t necessarily have better coping skills. Most people drink, dabble with drugs, hook up with each other, or eat their feelings. These methods of coping are just less taboo.
I know I write a lot. It’s just that I see now how much more of a relief it is to not be so sad and to feel better about myself. There’s no reason you shouldn’t be living your best life, not trying to sound like Oprah.
my email is kelliewellie17@hotmail.com. Guess how old I was when I created it haha. Don’t be afraid to write me if you need to.
God bless,
Kellie
Thanks. 🙂 It does help just talking about it. Good luck to you too. If you ever want to talk, I’m here as well.
Thank you so much Kellie! I love that you write a lot, it helps more than you know. I am so glad you are doing better, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. 🙂
I was moved by your post and relate to a lot of it. I feel like I destroyed my relationship with my mother too. The relationship has been frozen since I disclosed abuse that she then blamed me for. In my case I’m sure it’s because it triggered my mother’s own issues that she never dealt with. It seems to me that there must be something more going with your mother too because needing help should not destroy a parental relationship. Most things in life confuse me but that’s one thing, as a daughter and as a mother, about which I’m very clear. Now days (15 years later) I don’t think about protecting her from anything but I do think about protecting myself by not disclosing anything sensitive to her because I know that she can’t be trusted. And, in the long run, the abuse was bad but the loss of my mother is worse.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about how strange it is when how we seem on the outside doesn’t quite match our actual emotional life. There’s a painful sort of discord there. I wonder if people who handle emotion better than I do have that problem too or if everyone more or less feels that way. I’ve realized lately that almost every place/activity that I love- museums, libraries, yoga, poetry- is something I love because it’s soothing. On the outside people who don’t know me well think I’m very calm but that’s a way of being that I’ve created so I can survive because my inner life is anything but calm.
I just want to say “yes, I know,” to so many things you wrote: feeling stupid, the perfectionism, what you call a “dark streak” and what I a “black whole,” not wanting to burden people. I also sounds like you’re letting people get too close to you if you don’t discuss serious things with your best friend. I do that too… The lying…
Woops. I meant to write that it sounds like you’re NOT letting people get close…
No problem! And thank you I will definitely write if I need to talk:)
Hi,
I read your post and it basically mirrors me. I am at the end of my seinor year, I started S.I at the beginning of the year as a stress relief…now its toward the end of my seinor year I am starting to injure alot. Whenever I feel stressed, sad, angery. I have days where I look in the mirror and I dont even recongized who the person is staring back at me. I get so mad and fustrated I that I dont know how to cope any other way.
I had a mild eating disorder during my soph. year in High School, then a couple of events happend and it got pretty bad. But I am good now lol , I find myself starting to get compulsive about certain things. For example I HAVE to wear socks when I am walking bare foot – I abolutly cannot stand having dirty feet or feet that feel like they are dirty-
I have also discovered that I do have a problem with allowing myself to get intamite with guys, I am very much afraid of someone breaking my heart ( I have seen it too many times with my friends)
I have a fear of large bodies of water, sharks and I am very colsterphobic.
Yea, Its nice to know your not the only person who has gone/is going throught the same things you are.