Hi. I am new here, and I am not really familiar with S.A.F.E. or anything. I just needed someplace where I could talk, and not necessarily to anyone who knows me.
I am currently in my third year at university. I am been doing SI on and off since my senior year in high school, and I think I’ve told maybe three people in my entire life. No one knows I’m doing it again now, or that I think about it a lot. There isn’t really anyone in my life I feel comfortable talking to or telling about this, especially not my family. They are very supportive and I love them very much, and I couldn’t stand hurting my mom that way. When I was in junior high, I struggled with a minor eating disorder and it really shattered her trust and confidence in me. I feel like I ruined our relationship, and I would never want to put her through that again, especially for something that is completely my problem.
Like I said, I love my family and have a close group of supportive friends. Most days I am a very happy, well-adjusted person, but sometimes I get very angry/frustrated and I don’t know how to make myself feel better. I took up running but that seems less effective lately (I’ve been running since senior year in high school too…at first it helped a lot but now not so much). I am mildly OCD and a bit of a perfectionist. I know I am a very lucky person and I am grateful for everything in my life, but sometimes I just hate who I am. I feel ugly and like I have no self control, and I feel stupid (I’m a math major, so I feel stupid a lot, haha) and inadequate and I like I wish I knew what I wanted out of life. I know these thoughts are normal but I wish I delt with them better.
I feel like there is a dark streak inside of me that not very many people see. I want to hide it from most people, and there are a few people I would like to open up to but don’t feel that I want to impose that on them. It isn’t their problem. I hate being a burden or having people feel obligated to listen. My best friend lives across the country, and while we talk a lot through phone and IM, it isn’t the same as conversing with her face-to-face. My best friend at uni is a guy, and we don’t talk about “serious” things. Even if I felt I could talk to someone, I don’t know what I would say. “Hi, sometimes I injure myself on purpose because it makes me feel better”? I’m not suicidal, I would never even think about that because I’ve seen the damage it does. I like my life. SI truly does make me feel better, and there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to stop. Actually, that’s a lie; I don’t *want* to stop at all, I just know intellectually that it isn’t good or normal.
Like I said, I’m normally happy. This is so horrible and I’m so ashamed of this, but I’ve lied to my parents and even my *doctor* about my scars. I’ve never told anyone that before, that I’ve lied about that. And people believe my lies b/c I am a happy, hardworking and loving person (most of the time). So people wouldn’t even suspect.
I don’t want to ruin my life. I don’t want to be committed or psychoanalyzed or branded as a “psycho.” I could just stop, but it doesn’t seem that simple. I wish I knew what I wanted. But even if someone would listen, the dynamic of the relationship would change. I would be the crazy girl, or the pity friend, or something….
So yeah, that’s me. More than you probably ever wanted to know. But it helps to get this off my chest, even if I’m sending it out into the cosmos of the internet. If anyone has any advice, I would love to hear it. If anyone has ever felt like I have, or been in my position, it would help me greatly to know I’m not alone.