What am I getting myself into?  The urges were of the map on Friday and my day was very over-stimulating, an activity I normally relish, but it was just too much.  I didn’t give in.  I thought I was fine then ended up having a mixed episode.  HORRIFYING.   Looking back it started ramping up early in the week and, looking forward, I don’t think I’m done.  I’m trying to come down/eat/sleep/concentrate but I just want to push away. Through a friend I got to talk to an emergency psychiatric doctor on the phone (for direction- he explained that it was a mixed episode) and I just wondered out loud if I had injured if this wouldn’t have happened and he thought it very well may not have- I would have short circuited the chemistry that was leading up to it.  I feel AAAARRRG!   I wonder what I’ve done that was so bad.  I want to take blame and just be so sorry and maybe get some relief that way.  I feel like I just want out but I don’t know what I want out of.  Is this what has been going on all along?  Did I just find what underlies my problem- what the real problem is?   Or did I bring all this onto myself by starting to injure again?  I like the psychiatrist’s idea of how the two are related but I just think the interrelationship has to be more complex.  Also, did all this happen because I made a therapy intake appointment (which has now been canceled)?  Can I not handle he stress?  Is the very idea of therapy not going to work for me?  I want it, really want it.  There are so many issues in my life and I could really use some support but I can’t live like this.  Tomorrow I see a psychiatrist.  I have to leave the house before dawn and go to a walk-in clinic in a huge teaching hospital that scares me but I’ve been told twice that it’s where I’ll get the best care.  I want to cry.   Is this some big thing that I’m creating as a new way to injure?