i am two entirely different people. at school around my friends, i am happy and social and i laugh all the time. but i think its just an act. in actuality, i can’t stand people; i hate it when they look at me or talk to me and especially when they touch me. i think they’re obnoxious and sometimes i have to physically hold myself back from screaming at them when they do stupid things that annoy me. at home i’m completely different than at school; i never talk, i never laugh, and i’m pretty sure i hate my family. i know that i’m supposed to have unconditional love for them, but i don’t understand why i should feel anything for them unless they do something to make me like them. don’t get me wrong, i have (loving?) good parents and i’m very priviliged, but i feel like i’m separated from them, like i’m not really their daughter. everything my family does seems to annoy me, and i get so frustrated around them. they have a lot of expectations of me, and it seems like everything i do is for them rather than me. i used to not be like this, but for a long time now all i want is to be left completely alone. i s.i. about once a week, but i’m not sure if that’s considered often or not. i had a journal where i would record every s.i. and what i was feeling at that moment, but my mom found it and took it away. when she told me she seemed angry, but i definitely didn’t want to talk to her about it. we don’t really talk much, i have trouble opening up to most people. i think about suicide alot (at least once a day), and i’ve pretty much made up my mind that i’m not going to live past my 20’s. i know this sounds macabre, but it doesn’t really phase me, i’ve already made up my mind. i fantasize alot about a different life where i’ve found someone who gets me, but it will never happen because i’m totally incapable of forming that kind of relationship. does anyone know what’s wrong with me?