I am so freaking angry! I clearly have a hard time putting 2 and 2 together…
As usual it’s the crack of dawn and I can’t sleep. So here I was a couple of minutes ago, being pissed of about things I can do nothing about. I didn’t realize what I had done until it was done. I was looking for people willing to help me with self-injury and was somehow lurred into eating disorder websites. Now, since I can’t seem to get the help I want and desperately need for S.I. the thought of developing an eating disorder is heavy on my mind. I mean hey, anything I can do to screw up my life, right?! I just want to scream, because I know these thoughts and urges are irrational but they won’t go away. I replace one self destructive habit with another. Way to go me!!! I don’t know anymore. I wish there was a fork in this road to nowhere.
I know exactly how you feel, actually. I’ve been injury-free for a very long time, now, but the scars are a completely different matter. How are we supposed to live in pain all the time? I was in the washroom thinking of it just today, looking down and thinking of how easy it would be to dump my lunch into the toilet. Or maybe just not to eat at all; that’s simple, right? I knew I was close, and later I could barely stand… It’s not easy, pain. Whoever says that supressing it (emotional or physical) is easy needs to check himself in.
And yet…
Isn’t there a solution? A life without constant pain, one in which pain is only fleeting? Hard to imagine, but I’d like to think that it’s possible. What if instead of injuring, that we let it go? It’s okay not to be a cool cat… It’s okay to have a history you’d like to forget. I think that maybe it’s the living and accepting that’s important.
Oh, and in my experience, when you’re angry, you really need to cry. Take it from a girl who has injured.