Okay I can’t talk to anyone about this so i need to write. on top of SI’ing I am now back into full fledged ED. I know i am out of control but I can’t tell anyone because I went into counseling because of my self injury. I had an eating disorder before but after i got to where i wanted to be i slowly tried to stop on my own and i turned to SI’ing every time i wanted to purge. I gained weight and it actually backfired on me cause once i started eating after starving myself i gained everything back so fast. but i worked very hard not to let it bother me and go back.  But after one comment from someone i started it back up again and after a few days of guilt told my counselor. He said that I was doing it to please people. which yeah i can say that that but I honestly think i am huge and need to do this. I feel like i have no choice in this. I am totally out of control I know but when I am doing this I kinda feel in control and put together. That makes absoluelty no sense at all. I know what this does to me but yet I don’t care and can’t stop. When i am doing this the urge to SI is less. Maybe none of this matters. I really don’t even know what to think. I’m glad i can write about this on here cause other wise I would go crazy. Part of me thinks I should talk this out with my pastor but than the other part of me thinks it would just be a mistake. SI’ing is beig taken from me–which is what a wanted, right? but without something to fall back on…but I know I’m learning to make God my fall back and thats the way it should be. But I feel like i need something physical. something i can actually see, feel and touch. I just don’t know anything right now.