Recently I’ve been feeling really depressed and sad. Its my frehman year of highschool and the stress levels are really high. I go to a magnet High School for visual art and our teachers dont seem to understand that we have tons of work in our art areas to do, and they always give us lots of homework. Most of the kids deal ok, but most of us get C’s and B’s. Although I havent been tested, I know I have ADD, probably OCD, and probbly some form of bipolar depression. I get F’s and D’s. Occationaly, I get C’s. I’m trying to bring up my grade, but its hard for me.
I dont remember the exact day I first tried SI, but it was around the begining of the year. Actually, It was in school. I remember being really sick of the stupid people in spanish class and knowing i was getting my report card in the mail today. I knew I would get yelled at by my mom. She would be angry and dissapointed and would scream and cry and I woulsd feel horrible, but I can never show how I feel. I just sit there with a blank face because on the inside, what she says hurts so bad I want to cry, but I dont. I cant. So I was thinking about this in spanish and our teacher kept blaming me for things that people were doing. At the end of class, during lunch, I went to my art locker (we have lockers to keep our art supplies in) and got out a tool and went to the bathroom and… well, you know. After, I was scared, but it felt good. And I felt less stress after. That night, after my mom yelled at me, I did it agian before I knew what I was doing. Now, I SI all the time. I know I need help, but I dont know where to go. I dont want people to know. They would stop me, and I dont want that. SI helps me, and I know that if I stop, I might try other things. Ive been trying to stop it, but then I want to do other things. Everyt time it gets worse. I know I need help, but I dont want it and I dont know what to do.