I made it through Christmas.  My last bout of SI is almost all healed.  But it hurts so much and it’s hard to remember why I shouldn’t make it go away with SI.  I want it to go away.  I want to turn to SI and let it heal me.  The problems are not in the past; they’re present.  I have to fix things that are now, which is harder than trying to ignore things that are past.  I have to do a better job taking care of my son.  I have to write a paper for school.  But I also work from home and, for a little while longer, need to work for most of the hours I’m awake or I’ll loose the biggest opportunity I’ve ever had and ever will have.  At the same time, I’m scared of the economy and what it will mean for me.  I think I might have to drop out of school (again…) because I’m not handling stress well enough and just have to make life less complicated.   I’ve always been an overachiever but don’t seem to be able to graduate from college and I’m frustrated and mad at myself about not finishing.  Career wise I’ve done fine without it and I don’t even believe in the meaningfulness of diplomas but some part of me still needs it like the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz needed it.  Also: I’ve been married for a long time but my mind sometimes unravels from sexual pressure/fear.  This is at the root of problems.   I don’t have any language for the things I need to talk about.  I don’t know how to get the language.  I have so much shame.  I want to eliminate all the shame but it doesn’t work like that.  There have been horrible things but I have to stay in the present.  This is exactly what happens- I need to fix the present but then slide into the past and stay stuck there because I don’t know how to talk about the present.  I just want to scream.  I cried for hours while visiting my mother.  I pretended to be napping but afterward she noticed something wasn’t right and I talked to her a bit, which was just stupid.  She isn’t safe; no part of my family of origin is safe.  The urges are so bad right now.  I feel like they are killing me and I’m just being obstinate and ridiculous by refusing them and allowing them kill me.  I want to fight for my life.  I’m realizing things that I don’t want to realize.  Parts of me are opening up and I’m not prepared to cope.  It shouldn’t be like that.  Things should only come to be as they can be coped with but it’s not happening that way. I should be getting something accomplished right now.  I can’t let myself do this.  I don’t want to but it hurts so badly.  I want to make it through the night.  That will be my goal: I just have to make it through the night.  One night more is manageable.  I want to endure this.