i’m new to the site, let me tell you about me.

. i’m pretty much all depressed all the time, i carry my tool with me so i can si at any time. i know its stupid but i can be in a room full of people and feel absolutely alone. everything depresses me now, and my waves of depression can hit me at any time. i have friends that are open about their history with si, but i’m not. i want to talk to someone about it, the two people who do know have never done it and don’t really understand and actually don’t do much but beg me to stop. i love them to death and i want to stop if just for them but i find myself disappointing them over and over. i want to stop and i feel like talking to someone who has stopped will hlep. but i don’t knwo like how to approach them or what to say.

i’ve been lying to my one friend who knows about what i  do, i keep telling her that i haven’t done it in months, as far as she knows, i haven’t sincee october, which is a big lie. i just got sick of her always asking me about it, sometimes i wish i’d never told her. and she freaks out when i do, sometimes she threatens to tell my mom, which the thought of scares me to death. i’ve never been like close with my mom in the way that i would be able to discuss stuff like that with her. my mom was the perfect teenager so i’ve been told. pretty, thin, smart, popular, athletic. basically everything i’m not.

my other friend that knows has his own issues, with depression and the such. i feel like i’m failing him because how can i be strong for him if i can’t be strong for myself? everytime i do it i’ll tell him, crying apologizing for not being strong enough. i feel like such a failure because i’ve let myself get stuck in something i swore i’d never do.

so as i sit here….. i wonder how long it will be till i’m over this. how long will i be hiding this? how many outfits will i have to plan to cover injuries? i want this to stop, i want to be free of this but everytime i try, something goes wrong and there i am back at it again. it’ll be a year in january since my first.

but now, its worse than its ever been. i think about just giving up alot. the sad thing is, i know just how i could….. 

i tend to si more now when i’m with friends, i feel so isolated even when surrounded by people. i si’d at a christmas party last week, where i was with my closest friends, i even did it at my own birthday party this spring. i really don’t know what’s wrong with me any more,  and i don’t knwo who to go to. i’ve tried praying, but God doesn’t answer me. people keep telling me, He’s there even if you don’t feel Him but i need something don’t i? because nothign is helping, no matter how hard i pray, things just keep getting worse.