i’m new to the site, let me tell you about me.
. i’m pretty much all depressed all the time, i carry my tool with me so i can si at any time. i know its stupid but i can be in a room full of people and feel absolutely alone. everything depresses me now, and my waves of depression can hit me at any time. i have friends that are open about their history with si, but i’m not. i want to talk to someone about it, the two people who do know have never done it and don’t really understand and actually don’t do much but beg me to stop. i love them to death and i want to stop if just for them but i find myself disappointing them over and over. i want to stop and i feel like talking to someone who has stopped will hlep. but i don’t knwo like how to approach them or what to say.
i’ve been lying to my one friend who knows about what i do, i keep telling her that i haven’t done it in months, as far as she knows, i haven’t sincee october, which is a big lie. i just got sick of her always asking me about it, sometimes i wish i’d never told her. and she freaks out when i do, sometimes she threatens to tell my mom, which the thought of scares me to death. i’ve never been like close with my mom in the way that i would be able to discuss stuff like that with her. my mom was the perfect teenager so i’ve been told. pretty, thin, smart, popular, athletic. basically everything i’m not.
my other friend that knows has his own issues, with depression and the such. i feel like i’m failing him because how can i be strong for him if i can’t be strong for myself? everytime i do it i’ll tell him, crying apologizing for not being strong enough. i feel like such a failure because i’ve let myself get stuck in something i swore i’d never do.
so as i sit here….. i wonder how long it will be till i’m over this. how long will i be hiding this? how many outfits will i have to plan to cover injuries? i want this to stop, i want to be free of this but everytime i try, something goes wrong and there i am back at it again. it’ll be a year in january since my first.
but now, its worse than its ever been. i think about just giving up alot. the sad thing is, i know just how i could…..
i tend to si more now when i’m with friends, i feel so isolated even when surrounded by people. i si’d at a christmas party last week, where i was with my closest friends, i even did it at my own birthday party this spring. i really don’t know what’s wrong with me any more, and i don’t knwo who to go to. i’ve tried praying, but God doesn’t answer me. people keep telling me, He’s there even if you don’t feel Him but i need something don’t i? because nothign is helping, no matter how hard i pray, things just keep getting worse.
I have been in the same place as you. You want some way to escape. I wanted something to be under my control, and I just wanted someone to prove to me that they cared. I used to be the happy girl at school that everyone could come to. Then, I had a medication switch, and I was so depressed I just sat in my closet when I was alone, so people didn’t know I was hurting. I was a hollow shell. I would pretend to be ok, because I don’t want people to worry about me. I think, the first thing that you should do, which is hard, I do know, but throw it away. Just take something stress relieving instead. Or take a replica. And you don’t even have to throw it away, but leave it home once. And, I know what you mean about being alone, I truly do. I am in a huge family, but I don’t clique with anyone in my family or “friends”. I tend to find myself trying to be physically alone, so I know I’m alone. Maybe, try not going to big group things. Start by doing something with your two closest friends you mentioned. Go to the movies, or out to eat. To guarantee attention and placement. The bigger a group, the more likely someone or you are going to be on the outskirts.
Best Wishes
I know how it ir 2 have friends that u either have 2 worry about letting down, or friendr that u cant turn c cause they have their own issues. Thats y i came 2 this sight. Im new 2 this 2. My name is laura. U can email me at ohonnahsmomma@aol.com.
I started at this website about a year or so ago. I understand completely about your friends. Im dealing with the same thing. I actually lost my bf last year because of SI. When i talked to my closest friend about how he feals wen i talk to him about what goes on in my life, he said he was cool with it, but as time went on, i could see he wasnt. I ended up scaring him and completely pushed him away. It was to much for him to handle. It took us about a semester and a half for him to start talking to me again. And wen we did start talking again, he explained to me that it was just to much for him and that he thought i should talk to an adult or someone, and that if i need the suport, he would be right there with me. So try talking to your friends a little less about it and see if they might go with you to talk to someone you can trust, an adult you can trust. Asking them to be there for moral support, because hun, its alot easier when you have someone with you.
As for the cliques…im srry but i cant help you there, im trying to find the same answer. I wish i could help you out with that. But if i find the answer, or if you find the answer, let me kno because it would be nice to kno. Email me at any time tweezy.fairy@live.com or AIM fairydustfairy@aim.com
Anytime u need to talk or wanna ask a question, im here for yea chica 😀
i know how you feel about the failure and whatnot. i haven’t SIed in 3 weeks, but when it was really bad, i felt like such a bad person for hurting myself that i would do it even more.
yes, i felt too alone for such a long time because no one knew except me and God. i stopped a few times, but i always started again. then i went to confessions the day after my last SI and the priest told me to get help by telling someone. that was a big turning point for me. i wanted to stop feeling like a failure so i found the strength and courage to finally stop.
then i had another turning point. i completely broke down in front of everyone at school. i couldn’t stop crying and felt so helpless. i went home and felt so much stronger when my episode was over. something inside just me clicked.
i still haven’t told anyone, but i’m hoping i won’t have to. this experience had made me a stronger person and i know i can handle a lot more than before.
so, my advice to you is to tell someone else besides your friends. someone that can get you more help than just an outlet. i know this sounds hard, even more so because i never had the courage, but i’m sure it will help you a lot. and your depression could actually be a disease that you have no control over so don’t be so hard on yourself. be happy whenever you resist the urge, and learn something when you don’t.
if you ever need to talk i’m hear to listen. email me a jheartsconverse@aim.com. SI is a tough journey, but it can be ended.
I know how you feel. I’m new here too. I SI alot, and I always fee lalone. I have a friend who stoped, but she didnt have real trouble with it. She says “Just stop. I did it, its not that hard. You just stop and dont do it.” I always tell her that I tried, but she dosent get it. I have to wear jackets all the time to cover the SI. Good thing my school is cold.
Like you said, even with close friends, I always feel alone, like no body gets it. I cant turn to anybody. Some of my friends were telling me about this girl they were friends with. She said she saw her injuring, and that:
“It was so wierd. She looked all sad about it, but she had lots of injuries. She is so wierd and EMO. I dont see why someone would do that. Its so stupid.”
I just loked down and didnt say anything. My friends know I dont talk to much. After that, I felt alone all the time. No one can understand what its like because they havent been there. Dont worry, your not alone here.
Oh, and on the topic of God, been there. It didnt help me at all. It just made it worse, like the creator of everything had turned on me. I dont know anymore. If you need to talk, you can email me too. Wingfreak@gmail.com
I hope I can help. Good luck.