Nothing is going right. I was trying so hard to be happy today and all day I was depressed. I really don’t even know why. Than I was reminded of an added expense that I do not have money for. I am having a hard time with my finances now and this just added to it. I have been really struggling with thoughts of suicide over the last week or so. I know its stupid especially over something that will be fixed eventually. But right now its just all so overwhelming and I just can not get the thought out of my mind. I am trying not to panic and think about this calmly and logically. But this just seems like its never going to end. I can never get this straight or get ahead. I have SI’d twice ruining my almost three week streak and part of me really needs to do it again. I hate this so much. When I was SI’ing I really struggled with trying to go deeper and deeper. I am trying to tell myself that I don’t want to hurt my family and friends and I really don’t. But I still can not get this freakin’ thought out of my head. Trying not to SI and not just ending it is kiling me. And you know I am also frustrated with myself cause I know I am too afraid to end it when it comes right down to it and I hate that. There was twice I tried before and I came so close and it would have worked but I all the sudden chickend out. This is so stupid! I am really not enjoying life at the moment and I hate that. I really want to and am trying but this overwhelming depression right now is just too much. I really need this issue to be miraculously fixed or something and the thing is I know it won’t be.  I created this problem for myself I know but I have now been trying to fix it and I just can’t do it. I can not get ahead; expenses just keep coming up and accumulating. I want to get back to where I was a year ago. I was on top of things in this area and now I’m screwed. I hate myself so much for doing this. I really do.  I think God is trying to punish me for what I’ve done in the past.